Afternoonlittle boy crying

So another budget and it seems Britain is more broken than ever. Although it really depends who you listen to and what your position is. But is the economy, or anything else for that matter, really to blame for your situation?

Blame is the name of the game! As a therapist and change worker, one thing I hear every day is clients blaming everything from family members, other people, the economy and even the position of the planets (crazy but true) for their current situation.

Let me tell you a little secret when it comes to blaming other people and/or circumstances: No one cares! No one cares about your situation or what you think is to blame for your hardship. Not only do people not care, they don’t want to hear about it either.

One of my favourite quotes is “It might not be your fault you got knocked down, but it is your responsibility to get back up”. Every day you make a variety of decisions that either move you forward or keep you stuck. I totally understand the ease and seductive qualities of not changing, after all it is much easier to do that than make changes in your life. You may even read a lot of self help books thinking it will change you. How many self helps have you read now, even worse how many have you started and not even finished?

So why am I banging on about blame and taking responsibility? It is because I have worked with a huge number of clients and genuinely helped them get change in their daily life. I help to facilitate change on a deep level which can have profound effects on your quality of life. I do not offer a magic pill or an instant fix. However I can help to change a lot of painful memories, beliefs and anxiety issues.

I have a unique was of working with clients. The 5 main things are;

1. I work content free

A lot of people want to seek help but are embarrassed about their situation. You may have suffered abuse or done something you are ashamed of. You know that speaking with a therapist is confidential, but still you don’t want to actually tell another human being about your problem. I completely understand, and I do not need to know the actual content of the issue to help you. All I need to know is how you form the memory (for example are they like movies, pictures, body sensations etc). This allows you to fully connect into the issue to make changes, without ever having to talk about what it is. Cool hey.

2. I do not support your problem

I am not here to tell you everything is going to be OK. I am here to help you change, not to validate your excuses. You might be in a terrible situation, I am here to help you change what you are doing to help with that.

3. I do not want to hear how bad your life is, I am simply not interested

Counselling and support has its place, but not in my clinic. I am not here for you to offload your problems onto. I am here to help you change the way you deal with them. In my sessions the first 5 minutes is set aside for you to explain the issue/s, the rest of the time we focus on changing it.

4. I do not help create an outcome

Outcomes and goals are buzzwords in therapy. Trying to create a positive outcome for a problem is easy to sell to someone who is in pain and seeking a solution. By creating an outcome or goal, it focuses you away from what the problem really is. I focus my attention on the problem you are in, and how to get you to change.

5. We do things my way

I am an expert in helping people change. We do things my way, or no way. I have full confidence in my approach and my techniques.
If you are in a position where you are ready to change, then I may just be able to help you improve your quality of life more than could ever imagine. Below is a selection of testimonials from a range of clients including doctors, lawyers, students and even police. I typically see clients for 3 sessions from my clinic on Old Street (and soon Harley Street) and I charge £100 per session. I have limited availability as I am involved with several projects, but I do have some sessions available.

If you are interested, email me at matt@realworldhypnotherapy.com You can also listen to hours of interviews with past clients here http://www.youtube.com/user/RWHmattkendall

Of course you can always continue to blame others for your situation or better still ask the universe or use positive thinking!

Matt Kendall
Feedback from clients

25 man suffering from social anxiety around friends and family

I found Matt randomly through a google search for hypnotherapy on social anxiety and was amazed at his website. With Matt’s straight up approach to the condition and how to deal with it in a more structured way made my recovery a lot quicker and faster than I could imagine.

I can now face people and events with ease and not have to worry about how I look or am coming across or if they notice any of my odd symptoms etc. EMDR (one of the techniques Matt uses) is a great tool and has helped me move on and tackle my problems not only more effectively but much quicker than other therapies out there (and I’ve had a few believe me).

If you have an emotional issue and want to change your life for the better, go and see Matt and see what he can do for you!
Thanks Matt!

Regards
Deep

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Solicitor suffering from work stress
I suppose you do have a little fear before the session, just as it’s a new experience, but from chatting things through with Matt he clearly explained all the processes before they happened – just what I needed to gain a little understanding and to be able to discuss my issues.

I had been suffering from a lot of stress at work which had made me irritable at home and with my family. I started to become over emotional about small problems in which I would over react.

After the session I felt extremely relaxed, walking tall and seemingly with all tension out of my body – I like the idea of being able to re-empty the ‘stress pot’ on demand! Since the sessions I have been able to address my problems much more logically and put things into perspective.

Adam

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Company managing director suffering from work related stress and compulsive eating

Hi Matt,

I needed to write to sincerely thank you for introducing me to Hypnotherapy, I arrived to you in a state of the “unknown” and the “unsure”. I knew I needed some form of help and was totally open to anything, and quite by chance found your advert. I felt anxious, totally stressed out, wanting to hide away from the world, eat my way to comfort through food and chocolate. Something I rarely eat, but some how over the past 12 months it has become a major part of my eating life style. My weight was gaining and the lack of will power, drive and focus, lead me to do no exercise and being unable to grasp a routine through constant travelling, I saw no end to my down ward slide. I felt totally at a lose with myself, irrational, out of control and as a company founder and Managing Director the need for me to be in control, focus and a leader are essential and my present state affects many lives and lively hoods.

From the start of our meeting where you explained that my state was nothing unique, I found that I did trust, but more so believe you. Your explanations, reasoning, thoughts, behind this and your personal aura was so profoundly comforting. I came with no assumptions and I can honestly say that you changed my whole outlook, state of mind and inner feeling of despair. This first session brought me from a pit of darkness, to a beaming smile and I held an incredible feeling within me, a feeling that I could take control and do what was required without feeling uncontrollable stressed. The treatment/experience left me feeling incredible rested, at peace, happy, calm but most of all me, something that I had not felt for months and even today as I write my sincere letter of thanks the feeling is still there – as well as a smile. I know a have more work to do myself, but with your guidance and support I feel 75% there.

With sincere thanks

R. Chapman, Cheshire

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29 housewife suffering with panic attacks

I have prepared the following testimonial, I hope it’s OK.

As a newcomer to hynotherapy I really did not know what to expect from my first session. I had been having an extremely difficult time and had tried many things to feel better but really needed a final push. One session with Matt has had a dramatic impact. I feel much more confident and my friends have commented on the positive change. Matt makes you feel extremely relaxed and secure and the fact that he involves you and communicates so well builds trust. I would definitely recommend hypnotherapy with Matt to anyone.

Thanks again Matt, I may already have a client for you.

Kind regards

Imogen, Primrose Hill

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Professional writer suffering from family related stress issues

I approached my first hypnotherapy session with what I’m sure must be a common mixture of emotions – excitement, because I hoped I was on the verge of a breakthrough in dealing with a difficult issue in my life, and no small measure of anxiety too. My greatest worry was that I would not be able to let go enough to achieve the mental state needed to make the treatment work.

My first impression of Matt was that he really believes in what he does and in the power of hynotherapy to bring positive change to people’s lives. He approaches the subject very much from a scientific perspective, working with known facts about how the brain and human emotions work. I felt reassured by his confidence and it motivated me to play my part in the process, because successful hypnotherapy is not, as I previously believed, something done to you, but a joint effort. Matt encouraged me to talk a lot about myself and what I wanted to achieve from the treatment. This wasn’t always easy, so it is a testimony to his ability to put clients at ease that I was able to be completely open with him and not ‘edit’ my story in any way. I had the sense that he was there to help, not judge me, and that he would not be uncomfortable with anything I wanted to raise.

I think this was critical to the success of the treatment, as it gave Matt a real insight into the underlying issues, not just the symptoms I reported. The actual process of being hypnotised led on from the discussion in a very natural way and I found it surprisingly easy to achieve a deep level of relaxation whilst retaining an element of control and the ability to communicate with Matt. Clinical hypnotherapy bears no resemblance to any of the popular stereotypes about hypnosis and is a safe and powerful way to take control of your mind and the way you see things. I have no hesitation in recommending Matt to anyone looking to make important changes in their life.

Kate Smith, Muswell Hill, London

*******************

Solicitor suffering from anxiety due to past issues

Hi Matt,

“The hypnosis itself was a very relaxing experience, and I was left with a slight tingling sensation in my hands and feet, but it was actually quite pleasant. It was like having a night of really refreshing sleep, and when I woke up, there were no unpleasant after effects, no worries about what had just happened.

We worked primarily on removing a few mental blockages which I had, which were preventing me from living a happy and fulfilled life. In the space of just one session, I noticed a difference between how I was before and how I was afterwards. I felt relaxed, calm, and content.

There is a significant difference in the way I engage with the world around me now. I am no longer as quiet and withdrawn, and instead I can just go out and be myself, without feeling anxious, or worrying about how other people see me.

At all times Matt was a calming influence, he talked me through what we would be doing, he helped to identify some of my biggest issues, and how we would overcome them. At no time did I feel out of control, or that I would be made to do something I was uncomfortable with.

God job Matt!”

Take care,

Steven, Highgate London

*******************

Hi Matt,

I had just a couple of sessions with Matt last year, and they have really made a difference in my attitude to social situations and relating to women. I had a couple of unpleasant experiences in my teens, to do with pubs and strange women, and let’s not even talk about drunken women! I hadn’t really realised how much that affected me, just told myself that I was just an introverted guy, and there were other places I could meet women.

Anyway, I was a little sceptical about hypnosis but Matt calmly and professionally explained it all, so I gave it a go and now, though I’m aware of those memories, they are foggy and have no emotional impact. That has allowed me to be comfortable in pubs and clubs and socialize with women in a way that I couldn’t have done a couple of years ago. It’s great, now I have lots of positive experiences and emotions to remember! Thanks Matt

Sean

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I came to see Matt initially having come out of a difficult relationship and suffering from a general lack of confidence. As a newcomer to hypnotherapy, I was quite apprehensive as I didn’t know what to expect. After the first session all the anxiety and tension had drained from my body and I felt incredible!

With each subsequent session I really started to think with greater clarity and focus. Matt clearly explained everything at the beginning of each session and was always very welcoming and professional. He has completely charged my idea of what hypnotherapy is and what it can do to revolutionise people’s live.

Good Job!

Mark, London

*******************

Hi Matt,

“Matt is friendly and relaxed, and I felt that he was able to coax out my inner game issues even though they were not obvious to me. The hypnotherapy process was most enjoyable and fun, and the benefits to my game were apparent immediately.”

Hope this is cool. See you soon.

Mr S, London

*******************

Matt worked with me last year for my social anxiety and approaching girls. I was extremely anxious, I can’t emphasize this enough. I was so scared it was hard to sleep for a few days. I looked and felt like hell. The thought of going out on the streets to try to pick up girls had me scared to death.

Matt worked with me and hypnotized me. It was different that I thought it would be. What I remember the most was feeling peaceful and my fears starting to wash away. It was pleasant. I had never been hypnotized before, so this was a first for me. I used to have a lot of fear over simply walking up to a girl in a noisy night club and getting my voice tangled. I had this fear that my voice would freeze up, because it often did and I hardly ever talked to women in these situations.

After working with Matt this is no longer an issue for me. I’m better off now than before I met Matt. If I look back on the training that I did, which was a week long, I would say that things got a lot easier for me AFTER working with Matt.

If you have never been hypnotized I recommend it. It leaves you feeling a lot better. I would work with Matt again too. He’s also a very cool dude. Check him out, you won’t be sorry!

Pete

*******************
I can’t remember exactly how I first heard of Matt but it was somewhere on the Internet. It may well have been a youtube testimonial.

At the time I was in a bad way due to some experiences I had had whilst living in South Korea. I don’t want to delve into these, in fact myself and Matt never discussed what happened in any depth, but it was fair to say them stemmed from things that had happened long before I had gone to Korea.

When I was younger I had suffered with depression (16-24ish) off and on. Despite making a lot of progress with it setbacks and knocks would cause me to become very negative very quickly which would then spiral downwards. In Korea a lot of this resurfaced.

I had some experience of both hypnosis and NLP. Obviously neither had completely worked. Matt’s approach was different; he used a technique called EMDR to help me re-process the memories and experiences that were causing me problems.

What that looked like was.., well it looked like someone waving a pen in front of my face. Whilst this happened Matt would ask me to follow it with my eyes whilst thinking of the memories strongly. This probably sounds bizarre but the effect has been amazing. The strength of the emotional sensation associated with memory is lessened. This causes the memory to resonate with you less; some almost feel as if they shift in your mind or fade.

This occurred for two sessions; in the second I’d brought with me a list of memories I wanted him to work on. Again, it sounds like a strange process but actually the change in me is profound.

I can safely say that the memories and things that used to bother me don’t any more, I can see the same images and hear the same things but without being affected by them.

Something that was clearly joined with the other issues was a lack of direction in my life. This was causing me to be unsure what to do next and to be honest I’d been in this limbo for some time. I’d never really had any great idea about what career I’d wanted to do which had meant I’d dip my toe into something then jump straight back out then usually end up living at home again. This was a disheartening process, always moving back to square one.

In our final session Matt guided me through a ‘thought experiment’ that helped me to discover what I actually wanted to do with my future. I won’t fill in all the details but I was surprised with the outcome. The more I have considered it since the more it seems to fit with the lifestyle I want to have and I’ve been making steps to get myself moving in that direction.

Since the final session things have continued to improve. Having a proper direction to move in gives everything, including the work I am doing at the moment, more purpose than I might have attributed to it before. I have worked in office jobs before and usually find them dull. This used to get to me, causing me to be miserable, negative or irritable. Now though I am much more positive towards everything. I grin all the time at work too and seem to be the most relaxed person in the department.

Recently I have been planning courses to take and strategies to use when embarking on my new career. Obviously it’s not something I can just walk into but I feel confident that with the right amount of time and effort that I can be successful in it. This positive attitude towards it is a massive change from how I would have viewed something like this previously. I am realistic about it, however I would have focused on all the reasons not to do it rather than the reasons to do it.

I guess if you’re reading this then chances are you are considering session with Matt. Obviously I don’t know what you issues are. What I would say though is if you feel you are unable to find the right path or struggling on the right one because of things that happened in the past then ask yourself whether the unnecessary struggle is worth it.

Since the sessions I’ve noticed a huge change in my outlook and this has flowed into everything I’ve done. I’ve been happier, more relaxed and more confident about the future, which in turn makes me a more fun person to be around because I’m simply happier being me.

George, London

*******************

Hi Matt,

I first went to see Matt because I had problems with PM (premature ejaculation), ED (erectile dysfunction) and overall low and depressed feelings. Not knowing what to expect or if he could even help me at all I booked a session after first speaking with him by email and on the phone.

I liked what he had written on forums and his website about different topics and what he was able to do but was still sceptical as I’d tried every technique I’d read about to help myself and seen a sex specialist who although was very good and knowledgeable was unable to help me. After only a few minutes on the phone I became extremely confident Matt understood the issue well and I booked a session.

I don’t know how the therapy works but it did. I left the first session feeling a lot calmer and happier but was still having sex problems. However I didn’t care at all, I felt better each day about things. Less helpless and stressed. Unfortunately a few more stressful events happened in my life afterwards which got me down before the second session. But I coped well I think because of Matt.

After our second hour together I felt better again. Calm and relaxed and very motivated. I handled everything life had to throw at me during that period. And not straight away but over the next few months my sex problems evaporated. I don’t get down anymore, I don’t have ED or PE anymore.

I know this type of therapy is something I can and will always revert to if l’m ever in trouble again. I’m thankful to Matt and his dedication to his work. He was confident, reassuring and very impressive with what he did and I really believe in the type of therapy we tried and that it can work for anything. For me it extended way beyond what I went there for help with and I’m happier, healthier and more confident than I’ve ever been following our time together.

Regards,

Phil, Finchley

*******************

I have struggled with Anxiety and Depression for most of my life. I have seen many specialists to do with mental health, and seeked advice from dozens of people.
I am finally getting to a stage where I would I have almost overcome these problems.

I am extremely happy to highly recommend Matt Kendall for his services to do with hypnosis, dating advice and career/business advice. I want to stress that he will not give you the magic solution to all your problems, because this does not exist, in a long term sense at least. What Matt does is give you very personnel, detailed and practical advice, which can take or leave. He is very good at giving efficient solutions to problems that people may come across in their lives, and he has a great ability to explain what may work and why, which should never be underestimated.

Nicholas Jones

*******************

For what seemed like a long time, I’d been experiencing an certain empty, dissatisfied feeling in my life. It was always there, sometimes a subdued feeling, sometimes fairly intense. I guess there were many different ways in which it affected my life, some of which I’d not even really thought about. Most apparently though, or at least most frustratingly in my relationships with women. Although I’d dated girls I’d never been in a proper relationship. I felt I didn’t really know how to assert myself sexually with women. This feeling seemed to amplify as time passed me by, and I saw others around me getting into relationships, married etc.

I had originally met Matt through a PUA training bootcamp where he gave a seminar on inner-game issues and general dating tips. I didn’t know much about how ‘pick-up’ worked, but I attended the bootcamp in the hope that I’d be able to sort out my problem. I enjoyed the weekend a lot but felt I wasn’t really addressing my issues so much as pretending to be a person who didn’t have those issues, using learned techniques. Matt’s seminar however, touched on a few things that I thought might actually be able to help for real. Or at least, help me fix those underlying issues first in order for the other things I learned at the bootcamp to not feel in-congruent with who I am as a person. So I booked a one-on-one session with Matt, hoping to understand more about myself, how I got into the situation I found myself in, and how to get out.

I’d never been hypnotized before and I wasn’t sure what to expect. I’d describe the sensation as a deeply relaxed state, where my thoughts and memories appeared much more clearly and vividly than usual. Matt asked me to describe my issues and feelings visually, and asked me questions throughout to help me clarify and pinpoint the problems more specifically, as well as how they were affecting me. Matt explained to me and reiterated throughout the session that he couldn’t, or wouldn’t ‘solve’ my problems but would help me outline a plan of actions to take which would help me move in the right direction and over time eliminate the issues I was facing. The first lesson was like taking a jigsaw-puzzle box and emptying the contents all over the table. My mind felt scrambled and a little overwhelmed but now at least I had accounted for everything that was there. I knew what I was looking at. By the end of the second (and final) session I was starting to put those pieces of the puzzle together again in their correct places, having decided with Matt a list of specific actions I was going to take in my life in order to achieve the things I wanted to achieve.

In the following months I started to see the results of my actions. Some of the things I’d discussed with Matt and decided up on exploring further helped a lot, and honestly, some turned out to be dead-ends. But even so, through taking action I was slowly learning what was important to me solving my problems, and what wasn’t necessary. I was starting to re-align my priorities in life, the people most important to me and also the expectations placed on me by myself and others.

One of the simplest exercises Matt gave me was to create things in my life to look forward to, and work towards – events, holidays, career plans, anything. That in itself helped me regain a certain focus in my life that I felt I’d lost somewhere along the way. I feel a lot happier in myself these days, a lot more excited and optimistic for the future.
Phil, London

*******************

Hi Matt,

Just wanted to say a huge thank you for all the work you have done. I feel like I’m truly making the most of everyday situations and find myself happier than I can remember being in a long time. I must admit, perhaps due to the nature of my job (I work as a doctor) I approached our session with a little (unhealthy) skepticism towards your approaches on behavioural change. Simply put; I couldn’t have been more wrong. There’s a wonderful combination of methods I don’t understand, and advise so straightforward I think it often gets overlooked; If you don’t like where you live, move!

Our sessions and subsequent correspondence have been a catalyst to me trying new things, increasing my productivity and most importantly having more fun.

Best thing is….it snowballs :-)

I would recommend your work to anyone seeking to improve their lifestyle.

Hope to catch up soon.

Every best wish

Faz

*******************

Fin!

Posted by: Hypnomatt | May 4, 2012

Disconnecting from the past by Matt Kendall

Before you read this article I want to point out that I am not a professional writer. This is likely to be filled with grammatical errors and very non-linear. I write what comes out without any planning or structure. If you want to read beautifully written articles, then this isn’t for you.

It has been a long time since I have written a blog post. During my absence I have been working with a huge amount of people and exploring a lot of new exciting change work techniques that deliver incredibly power results. The information I want to share with you I find both exciting and also it is a massive leap forward for me as a therapist.

When I first got into hypnotherapy I used a fairly standard set of tools and techniques. I was a massive believer in the conscious/subconscious mind theory and the power of hypnosis and NLP. Although I do believe hypnosis to be useful, I found a lot of hypnotherapy to be very “fluffy”. When I say “fluffy”, I mean “bullshit”.

I have been a practicing hypnotherapist for many years and I have had the good fortune to study under some great therapists and change workers so see how they get results. I also have friends who are doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, mental health practitioners and a range of other therapists and I spend a massive amount of time speaking with all of them about self esteem, confidence and emotional issues. What I have learned witnessed and practiced over the last year or so has revolutionised the way I do therapy. I am now able to get results far beyond the limitations of pure Clinical Hypnotherapy but putting into practice these new ways of working.

When I first started becoming a therapist I used to get very involved with the client’s issues. I used to have them explain to me at length what the problem/s were and how they affected by it. I found that a lot of people simply wanted to talk about their problems, yet not really do anything about them. I would sit there patiently listening to clients as they told me their tales of woe and why their life was so bad. To be honest I found work rather depressing at times and some of the things I had to listen to were quite frankly horrifying. It really put my own personal problems into perspective after listening to what some people have to endure on a daily basis.

So what changed? I discovered that I am much more effective therapist by not getting involved with people’s stories. I found a new way of working called “content free”. This literally means that now as a therapist I don’t actually talk to the client about the details of the problem, which allows me to stay disconnected whist allowing the client to be much more involved in the change work process. A lot of people have problems but are embarrassed to talk about them. By not having to talk about the content, only the structure, it really does allow the client to fully engage knowing they will never have to actually talk about the negative experiences.

The main tools I now use are physical metaphor language patterns, IEMT, referring to a training network and common sense. I am going to write a lot of articles in the near future about IEMT and EMDR, these are eye movement therapies that are simply amazing. The changes you can achieve with clients in a very short space of time are literally ground breaking.

One huge thing I have introduced over the past year or so is referring people to other people for training. I have fully realised that in a lot of cases, therapy is not enough! Often people have to learn skill sets in order to get the changes they want. A good example is a guy who had stage fright and had to make regular presentations at work. He would fear giving these presentations to his boss and directors and would not sleep for days before hand. I am able to help with the emotional issues with this problem, however I am not able to teach him how to give good presentation. I sent him on a 1 day presenting course as part of our treatment plan. By combining the emotional and anxiety issues with me and learning how to present with specific company, he has achieved incredible results.

I am here to help people with emotional issues. We live our lives now, because what we have experienced in the past. I can not tell you the amount you are able to change, if you are just able to disconnect from the past and put it in its place. Instead of overpowering negative emotions and building up false confidence, the best way (I have found) to get long lasting results is to neutralise the negative memories that are causing the problems now.

This is why I HATE a lot of self help bullshit. If you need to pump yourself up and motivate yourself all the time, then there is something wrong on a deep level. I am not in the business of making you feel good for no reason. In fact coming to see me might make you feel horrible. I will make you face things you have been avoiding for years, either consciously or subconsciously. However by address the causes of your issues, the routes of the problem, you get long lasting and natural results. By getting your brain to process the memories instead of trying to overpower things, you can genuinely achieve big changes in your life.

Let me give you a metaphor for what I mean about negative memories and how we deal with them and how they affect our lives. Image you get a splinter (a negative memory) in your foot. You have several ways of dealing with it. You can either learn to deal with the pain, you can overpower the pain or you can remove the splinter and let it heal naturally.

By adapting your walking style to accommodate the pain is what most people do with negative memories. They accept they “this is who they are” and avoid walking on the painful part. This is a coping mechanism that allows you to keep moving but is of course very restrictive.

By powering through the pain, I like to call this the bullshit self help and motivational way of dealing with an issue. Feel the fear and do it anyway, firewalks, affirmations  and other crazy motivational and empowering bollocks. The thing is, this hurts. You are forcing yourself into pain. You need to constantly fire yourself up, if you are constantly going to be putting yourself into painful situations.

The last option is to remove the splinter and let it heal naturally. Now this does hurt, but only for a short time. When you see the splinter you realise just how small it is, but how much of a problem it caused.

What I do with clients is find these painful splinters (memories), and remove them. I do not get you to feel all super powerful and confident. You will find that if you actually deal with and remove the causes of issues, you probably no longer have that desire and need to feel powerful. It is much more relaxing. Instead of fighting the issue, neutralise it.

When we have a problem in the present, say social anxiety, it is likely to have multiple sources. These sources are memories from your childhood (or at least long ago) that have combined together to form this issue. Think of a current day problem you have as like a river basin. It has multiple sources, they may all be small and insignificant, however why they combine they create a large and powerful force.

I have found that if you try to work on yourself there are two main problems you will encounter. The first problem is that you are unlikely to correctly identify the sources. Sometimes these sources are often repressed memories (unavailable to normal working memory) or they are deemed as insignificant because it was such a small thing a long time ago. It makes no logical sense to be affected by a little issue that happened to you many years ago. True, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t something that needs to be worked on. The second issue is that if you accurately locate the problematic memories, what do you actually do with them? Just by locating the sources of a problem does not mean you have the tools or knowledge to actually work on them to creative a positive change.

My way of working with clients is very simple. I find out what the problem/s they are experiencing in the present are. I accurately locate the memories that are causing the issue/s. I use content free methods to properly address and neutralise the memories. The client brain is able to recycle the memory and take from it what it needs, and basically disregards the rest. I do all of this without ever discussing what actually happened in the memories, simply just need a label. For example say that you were bullied at school and something particularly nasty happened in the playground. All I need to know is how you access the memory, i.e. is it a picture or a movie, are you associated or can you see yourself. I don’t need to know what happened, what you did, what happened to you or any other information.

If you are interested in exploring this type of therapy then please get in contact with me. I have many many testimonials and case studies that I can send you. I typically see clients for 3 sessions over a period of about a month. The changes you can get are literally life changing.

I am only able to see a limited amount of clients per week due to other work commitments. I will also only take you on as a client if I believe that I am able to help you. You also have to accept that you need to go and make changes in your life and seeking therapy is not enough to creating lasting results.

What I can offer is a free 30 minute skype/phone consultation. I typically work with men only, but I do also work with women. If you are interested in finding out just how much you can change, then please email me at matt@realworldhypnotherapy.com. Please put in the subject bar “phone consultation” and remember to include your phone number/skype name and days and times yu are available to speak.

Thank you so much for reading this article and I hope you have gained some value from it.

Matt Kendall

For sessions with Matt please click Matt Kendall or Hypnotherapy in London

Posted by: Hypnomatt | September 22, 2011

The Psychology of Procrastination

Have you ever wondered why it is that as soon as we have some duty or assignment delegated to us, we often suddenly feel compelled to find another, (usually more pleasurable), activity to complete in its stead? Even a person with a psychology degree, who understands the physiological and psychological reasons that procrastination occurs, can still put off their most pressing work.

Procrastination seems to be like a sly, malevolent little demon perched on our shoulder, whispering in our ear, “Oh, go ahead and have fun. Work? Shmirk! After all, you just have all the time in the world to get it done! Right?” Wrong. Whether it be in the realm of school, work, or just life in general, many a chronic procrastinator can vouch for the fact that this nasty little habit can lead to some very unfavorable circumstances otherwise easily averted. Now, with that said, can this vicious cycle of putting off your work be broken once and for all?—and if so, how? Let’s find out.

Why do we get distracted?

Well, before we move on to the strategies of managing and possibly even curing procrastination for good, give yourself a break. The good news (or bad, depending on how you look at it) is that if you’re human (and I assume that you are), then like it or not, you may actually not only be predisposed to procrastination– you’re programmed for it. Yes, that means you can stop blaming genetics, your parents, your friends, astrology, or what have you. Blame the limbic system.

Procrastination is the result of a perpetual battle between the limbic system, the pleasure center of the brain, and the prefrontal cortex, the decision-making, organizing, and critical thinking sector of the brain. The problem arises because our limbic system is constantly being stimulated by external distractions (sort of like on auto-pilot), and the poor prefrontal cortex, being weaker, doesn’t really get a lot of say in many matters. Consequently, in the raging battle between these two neuro-rivals, the limbic system often emerges the victor.

If a particular activity or responsibility seems rather daunting or unappealing, our “pleasure center” automatically seeks a more enjoyable diversion– hence the lounging atop the sofa, seemingly hypnotized by the television, instead of studying or cleaning. However, while we’ve successfully established that procrastination is not all your fault, that doesn’t change the fact that it can have a damaging effect on your life.

The Psychological Process

Now let’s take a look at the psychological processes potentially behind this mental dysfunction. Procrastination is an “umbrella concept,” with no single immediate cause. Some have theorized that the urge to procrastinate is a consequence of a person’s desire to prioritize their immediate needs over their future needs.

Also, it’s often just a matter of fear. Hara Estroff Marano of Psychology Today says, “Procrastinators sabotage themselves. They put obstacles in their own path. They actually choose paths that hurt their performance.” Marano’s recent research findings demonstrated that chronic procrastinators not only fear failure, explaining the delay in productivity– many fear success just as much. They associate success with added pressure, and thus to avoid the extra burden, choose to do worse.

Getting Over It

So now that we understand the possible causes of this malignant psychological pseudo-virus, the question still stands, how do we get rid of it? Can we get rid of it? Luckily, there is hope. By refusing to allow the task at hand to feel abstract, and instead substantiating it so that it stands up as something that needs to be completed, we are more likely to complete our goals.

Another trick is to be honest with yourself, and to say that you “have to” do it, which will wake up your prefrontal cortex in the perception of obligation. Set realistic goals, and break up your tasks to make them more manageable.

Whatever the chosen strategy, however, no one is beyond help. We can learn to curb our procrastination, provided we’re willing to exercise a little bit of will power. As they say, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.” The mind is a pretty powerful thing.

Article written by Allison Gamble

Posted by: Hypnomatt | June 3, 2011

Seriously, where does the time go? By Matt Kendall

Hey guys

It sounds stupid, but I can hardly believe it is June already. I have been so busy the last few weeks that my feet have hardly touched the ground. Today I had to send a lot of emails and I was shocked to read that the date was 03/06/2011. How on earth can it be the 6th month of the year already?

It has proven to be a wakeup call to me and today I have been working on my goals for the rest of the year. As we are literally at the half way point, it is time to ask yourself “how has your year been so far?” Have you achieved what you wanted to, or are your goals and plans still just n your head causing you frustration. Have you even started the goals you put off from last year?

When I work with clients I always give them tasks and assignments to do. I am often met with the excuse of “it’s not the right time”. If now is not the right time, then when is? I always think that you are slightly pushed into something then you make it the right time.

If you spend your life waiting for the right time to do something, it is like waiting for all the traffic lights to turn green before setting off on a journey. You will always encounter issues along the way of whatever you are trying to achieve, most people never even start the journey.

So ask yourself, we are half way through the year and time is getting on. What is it that you want to achieve by Christmas? If you goal is to get into a relationship by the end of the year, what would have to happen in order for you to do this? I do not believe in luck, I believe in working hard and opportunities will present themselves.

I will leave you with this thought. “The longer you leave something, the less likely it will even happen”.

Stop pretending like everything will work out, because unless you decide to actually get off your ass and start making things happen, well you will only have yourself to blame.

Matt Kendall (hypnomatt)

For sessions with Matt please click Matt Kendall or Hypnotherapy in London

Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion

Hey all

I have recently joined up with Amazon to become one of their associates. What this means is that if you click a link through to Amazon from my sites, then I make a very small percentage of the sale. At the moment all my blog posts and content are advert free but I do need to start to produce an income if I am to continue to invest so much time into them. All the products I review are books that I have read or things that I personally recommend.

Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert Cialdini

This has to be one of my all time favourite books when it comes to psychology. As a professional therapist, it is my job to influence my clients into different ways of thinking. I have to understand why the client has a belief, and then use tools and techniques to alter this world view.

Influence by Robert Cialdini is a must have for all therapists and those who are interested in how the mind works. When people talk about influence and persuasion, they often think of con men or unethical methods. This is why I love this book so much as it is not about tricking people at all. It is based on the 6 ethical principles on influence and why people make decisions.

The 6 principals for influence are;

Reciprocity

Commitment and consistency

Social proof

Liking

Authority

Scarcity

Reciprocity is when you first give to someone, they are then compelled to give back. This is used every day by businesses and those who want to get a favour out of you. Just think, if someone does you a favour, don’t you feel like you owe them? This is also described as “you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours”. By working together you get more done, but for this to work someone has to owe you a favour. Guys try to use the rule of reciprocity with girls all the time, for example when they buy them a drink or dinner. They want the girl’s attention, and usually more, so by spending some money on them the girl will feel indebted to repay that somehow.  

Commitment and consistency is when someone commits to something, even by a small amount, they are much more likely to go ahead with it. An example is that I used to promote live music nights and through trial and error I found the most successful way to ensure people turned up was to charge them for their tickets in advance. By paying just a few pounds they have committed to the event and are much more likely to attend than those people who are undecided. By getting someone to agree to something and putting down some sort of deposit, they are much more likely to complete the whole transaction.

Social proof is another way of saying that something is popular or favourite. When other people are already doing something, it makes other people want to do it too. Again from my club promoting days this is something that we used to do. Outside the club we would make people stand in line where other people passing, who were undecided on where to go that night, could clearly see. When people had a choice of venues to choose from, the one with the line outside looks more interesting. By having people already queuing up it created more attention and increased their chances of joining the queue themselves. When people are undecided, they want to go with what other people are already doing.

Authority is key when it comes to persuasion and influence. People like to be told what to do by people in authority. When someone is in charge, it allows us to relax knowing things are being taken care of. Look at how products are marketed, especially in the health and beauty sector. Skin cream adverts often have “scientists” in their labs wearing white coats to tell you about their amazing breakthroughs. Health foods are often endorsed by doctors, so too is tooth paste. When we don’t know about something, we listen to those in the know for guidance.

Liking someone or something makes you much more likely to do things for them. By liking someone, they have more influence over you than someone who you dislike. If you watch programs like X Factor, Pop Idol or Britain’s Got Talent, then you will recognise this tactic in use. These programs show videos of the contestants struggle and sob story to get you to like them, and therefore vote for them. These competitions are rarely judged on talent alone, more just about how much you like them.

Scarcity drives up the price and desire to own something. This comes from supply and demand, the more there is of something, the easier it is to obtain and the cheaper it is. The rarer the item, the harder it is to obtain and the more expensive it will be. Although the item that is scarcer may be more expensive, that does not actually mean the quality of the product is higher. However the more scarce the item is, the higher the perceived value. Businesses use this technique all the time, when selling “limited edition” type products, “Hurry, only 5 places left” and other advertising that suggests that whatever they have to offer is in limited supply.

In this book, Robert Cialdini goes through each of the above 6 principals in great detail using antidotes and examples. It is a fascinating read and it will make you view the world through a difference lens. It has certainly helped me see through a lot of advertising, while also making my own advertising and communication with other more effective.

This book is a must buy. Buy it, read it and then read it again! Please click the below link to order from amazon.

Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion

Hey guys

I promise that this post will be shorter than the last one. I think I got RSI from writing the last post.

What I want to talk about today is the topic of wasting time and effort on girls and how you can turn that arround. When you waste time and effort, not only can you never make that time up again, but it also makes you feel crap, lowers your self esteem and makes you less likely to go after the girls who will actually be responsive to you.

Before I learnt about game, I was very much into marketing. I used to be a club and band promoter, this taught me how to make money and focus my efforts on the right people. I believe that a massive part of self esteem comes through getting results. If this is the case shouldn’t we be focused on going for the right types of people which will generate the best results, rather than just hoping for the best?

When I got into promoting bands in Manchester I learnt very quickly that the general population had absolutely no interest in going to see unsigned bands in a pub function room on a Wednesday night. I could have spent a lot of money advertising the gigs on the front of the local papers, but this would have had barely any impact at all. The only people who are interested in seeing unsigned bands (when they are starting out at least) and friends and family of the band members and a few music enthusiasts. I had a system where the bands had to purchase a certain amount of tickets in advance in order to play a gig. This method is also known as “pay to play”. It is hated by musicians as they have to now put in the effort of getting people there as they have a financial investment. However this also meant that every gig I did made money, plus there was always a decent crowd for the bands to play to. I promoted over 100 music events in Manchester and gained a good reputation. Although I used a system that bands didn’t initially like, I still had about a ratio of 3 bands per 1 slot available.

While I was a band promoter I got to meet a lot of interesting characters. One night I was out with a lead singer of a band, who lets say was “unconventional” looking. He was ugly. However he was amazingly successful with girls. He was a very charismatic singer and went to a lot of after parties, a simple yet effective system. One night I was out with him and I spotted a group of 4 girls. I dared him to go over and speak to them. He looked at me totally confused as to why he would do that. He explained that they have no idea who he is and therefore will not be successful. This is when I really started to understand about targeted marketing and going after low hanging fruit. You can take someone who is amazingly successful, but if he is approaching the wrong sort of people then even he will get poor results.

When I first became a hypnotherapist, like most others I decided to cover every single issue under the sun. I used to do everything from weight loss, to stop smoking, to fears and phobias and even such crap as past life regression. I was competing in a cut throat industry and spreading myself far too thinly. I was literally begging people to come and so sessions with me and I used to undercut my competitors on price. I used to work all hours of the day and night and do as the client requested rather than doing the sessions how I wanted to. Then one day I was speaking to a marketing expert, who just did stop smoking sessions. He told me that I had to specialise or I would always find making a living as a therapist hard and I was likely to go out of business. This really resonated with me and I decided to get into what I knew best, social anxiety and self esteem issues.

Once I knew my direction, it allowed me to focus my efforts. I went on every course I could, I read every book on the subject and I shadowed every therapist that would let me. I researched, tried and tested every technique related to anxiety. This is something that I continue to this day and always will. Once I got really good at this type of work I was then able to advertise my services to those people who were actually looking. When you focus your efforts and work with the right people, your results grow exponentially.

So how does this relate to game? Well I see game like marketing and once you break it down and analyse it you can start to improve each part to maximise the results. The product or service that you offer is yourself, the market is the girls you want to be with and then you use game techniques (opening, closing, escalation etc) as the selling process. Once you know your market and how to present yourself best, then your results will drastically improve. Most people have no idea what they are trying to achieve, who they are trying to attract or how to analyse their results. No wonder people feel lost and like giving up.

Ok let me give you an example of what I am talking about. Recently I was working with a client who was Muslim, based in London and was looking to find a girl who he could settle down with and start a family. The girl also had to be Muslim who also had similar life goals. He liked the homely and caring types who didn’t drink and were career focused. He liked girls who were classy, well educated and enjoyed talking about philosophy and religion. He himself was a successful businessman with great prospects. He was a very good catch for someone who wanted to settle down and start a family. He was currently getting really poor results from game, to the extent that he his family were on the brink of arranging a marriage for him.

So where was this guy going to meet his future wife? He currently spent his time going to student nights at crap hole nightclubs in the West End of London. One particular night he went to every week was famous for selling all drinks for £1. See this is where I have to sit back and see if the penny drops, in this case it didn’t so I had to spell it out for him.

I said to him, “So let me make sure I understand. You are looking to meet a Muslim girl who you can settle down with. You don’t like girls who drink, you like the homely type who are well educated and career focused. You also want them to be a good conversationalist who likes to talk about religion and philosophy. Let me ask you, how many of these girls do you think go to a £1 a drink night at a crap hole club during the week?”. He looked rather puzzled and after a few moment he said “probably not that many, but there are lots of girls there”.

Let’s look at this in detail. Say there are 1000 girls in the club, how many are first of all likely to be Muslim? Let’s say 15% (I am just using made up numbers for example’s sake). Out of that 150 how many are likely to be living in London and not a tourist, who don’t drink and are career focused and looking to start a family within the next couple of years. We are probably down to single figures by now. Not only does he have to go and find these girls but he is also facing such issues as loud music, her friends and lots and lots of other guys. No wonder he is getting poor results. As I explained all this to him, he started to understand what I was on about but then looked disheartened. “So you are saying it is a lost cause and I should just give up?” At the moment he was going out 2-3 times a week and opening approximately 15 girls per night. So he was efficient in his approach, however he was not being effective. “No my friend, I suggest you change what you are doing to get better results” was my answer.

We first of all gather some information about the girls he was attracted to and built a bit of a profile about them. We then consulted my best friend in the world, Google. Within minutes we had found a Muslim only dating site, and a Muslim philosophy discussion group that was held in his local area. Within a month of going to these focused events he got into a steady relationship with a great girl. They are still together 6 months later and look set for a great future together. He has not been to a £1 a drink night since and his self esteem is at an all time high.

When you don’t approach game with an analytical attitude then you end up just going out for the sake of it. Without a plan you will of course feel lost and have no idea where you are going wrong or right. Getting numbers will be something of chance and then converting those numbers to dates will be a difficult process. All this leads to wasted effort, poor results which of course turns into low self esteem and lack of motivation.

While in Manchester I became very friendly with a guy who ran a speed dating company. When I asked him why he started to do this, he said it was simple. He was single and he wanted to meet a lot of single girls who were looking to meet guys. He didn’t want to go to the events himself as this would put on the same level as the guys who attended. By organising the events, he not only had all the girls details and could speak to them about dating, but he was also of higher value at the events. To me this is a work of genius.

One common problem I see with guys is the whole “oneitus” AKA unrequited love. Basically when you really like a girl but it has not gone anywhere and is not very likely to happen anyway. People spend so much of their time investing into this one person, that they are now in what I like to call an investment trap. By giving up on this person and going after new people, they feel like all the time leading up to this has been a waste of time and therefore they have to continue. This makes no sense at all and just leads to investing more and more time and therefore strengthening the problem. A good pick up artist knows two things, what kind of girls to go for and when to call it quits.

If you are in an investment trap with a girl, you have to ask yourself “what I am doing, how is it working out so far?”. By continuing to the same things you are likely to get the same results. I advise to change your methods by going out and meeting different people. The one girl who you have invested so much in is actually more likely to be attracted to you if you are not chasing her, but instead dating other girls. You are also likely to meet girls who are even more suited to you once you change your focus.

Ok that is it for today. Think about how you are spending your time and how efficient and effective it is. Time is the one thing you can never get back, and if you are investing too much into one girl, go out and meet more people!

Please leave your comments and share this post on facebook

Matt Kendall (Hypnomatt)

Posted by: Hypnomatt | May 25, 2011

How to live a passionate life. By Matt Kendall

Hey all

Just a real quick blog today about how to live a passionate life. I run an event in London called “interesting Talks” www.interestingtalks.co.uk and every month we have an event with invited speakers.

On June 16th 2011, the event is called “How to live a passionate life” and the guest speakers are Marcus Oakey and John Morgan. This is going to be an amazing event, over 60 seats have now been reserved.

For more information, please visit www.interestingtalks.co.uk

Thanks

Matt Kendall (hypnomatt)

Posted by: Hypnomatt | May 23, 2011

Client testimonial May 2011

I found Matt randomly through a google search for hypnotherapy on social anxiety and was amazed at his website. With Matt’s straight up approach to the condition and how to deal with it in a more structured way made my recovery a lot quicker and faster than I could imagine.

I can now face people and events with ease and not have to worry about how I look or am coming across or if they notice any of my odd symptoms etc. EMDR (one of the techniques Matt uses) is a great tool and has helped me move on and tackle my problems not only more effectively but much quicker than other therapies out there (and I’ve had a few believe me).

If you have an emotional issue and want to change your life for the better, go and see Matt and see what he can do for you!

Thanks Matt!
 
Regards
Deep

——-

Deep emailed me the above testimonial on Sunday 22nd May 2011. We had done 3 sessions together over a period of 4 weeks. Deep was suffering from social anxiety with friends and family members. He had been to see other therapists and also tried lots of self help techniques, all with limited success.

If you want to make real progress with your emotional issues, get in contact matt@realworldhypnotherapy.com

Posted by: Hypnomatt | May 22, 2011

21st May 2011. The end of the world? By Matt Kendall

My aim is to write a short blog post today. Let’s see how that turns out.

Today it is Sunday 22nd May 2011 and I am glad to say that the world has not ended, yay! I am really glad because I have just bought some gig tickets for next week. Yet another doomsday prediction failed to come true, to be fair it only needs to happen the once though. I have just been reading some of the news reports about the Rapture and those who are explaining why the world didn’t end. The put it down to miscalculations, misinterpretation, yet no they have not seemed to have classed it as scare mongering bollocks. Funny that. Did those who believed in the rapture, are they now going to challenge and possible change their belief systems based on the evidence presented? No, of course not. Critial thinking has no part to play in religious beliefs. For if we look at science and the evidence, all religions, and other control systems, simply fall apart.

Today I am not interested in having a pop at religion or those who believe that the end is nigh. Instead I want to talk about the fact that your world will end one day and have you made the most of your brief time upon this earth? I know a lot of religions believe that there is some form of afterlife, usually promising a greater existence than the one we have now. For the sake of this post, let’s assume that we only have this lifetime, or at least this lifetime on earth.

Like most people I am quite scared of death. I have no religious orientation and what happens when my time is up is somewhat of a mystery to me at the moment. I guess I will find out what happens when the time comes. Due to modern medicine and improvements in quality of life, we are all living longer and hopefully more healthily. However our time here on earth can be cut short at any time for a countless amount of reasons.

When I die I want to be able to look back and think to myself that I have led a good life. I have done the things I wanted to, seen the most interesting places and formed and nurtured relationships with those around me. Not only do I want to be able to look back and think this, I want to think every day that my life is great. I am not one for delaying pleasure, I want to experience what life has to offer now.

In the last few years I have really worked on my life and I am yielding the fruits of my labour now. As a therapist I have to listen to other people’s despair and it made me realise just how fortunate I am. A lot of people who I have worked with have had a near death experience, either through some form of attack, accident or medical issue i.e. surviving cancer. From spending so much time with such incredible people who have touched the void of life and are now living it to the full. I owe it to those who are no longer with us, to live my life well and to encourage others to do the same.

I hate very few things in life. Brown sauce, tomato ketchup and James Corden, are among the things I can’t stand, however the thing I despise the most is something called “learned helplessness”. This crippling psychological condition is responsible for keeping people stuck in life, leading to a range of issues including low self esteem, depression, weakened immune system and even suicide.

Learned helplessness was first discovered in 1967 by an American Psychologist called Martin Seligman. He ran a series of tests on animals who were subjected to electrical shocks. The animals were put into groups, some of them could control the shocks they received by them pressing a lever, others had the same lever but it did not reduce the shocks. The first group quickly learned that they could control the amount of pain they received. The second group learned that whatever they did they still got the electrical shocks. Even when placed in different test setting, the first group animals were able to escape the pain, while the second group simply lied down and accepted there was nothing they could do, even though the opportunity to escape or stop the pain was made available to them. The second group of animals had learned that their actions had no impact and were therefore helpless, although in reality if they had simply tried they would have got results. This is how so many people live their lives today, in a way of not being able to control anything and being at the mercy of others.

When I work with clients I can usually tell who are going to get the best results quite early on. It doesn’t matter what the client has been subjected to, everything from early abuse issues through to a recent violent attack. I know that those who are able to follow simple instructions will get results. It breaks my heart when I have a client who I know could get results if they only tried, but they have learned that whatever they do doesn’t work, so why bother? Until a person actually realises that they have the power to change their life, nothing will ever work. Once they realise do have control over their life, then the possibilities are literally endless. Nothing gives me greater satisfaction than seeing a client coming to this realisation and starting to take control of their life. To me, this is real inner game.

We all want to be happy, but very few of us actually are. We are brought up in a society that is built on greed and material wealth, unreachable physical perfection and a rolling 24 hour fear mongering media. No wonder so many people have given up on their lives and now take what is given to them, rather than go out and create results. I know that the vast majority of people who read this post or anything to do with pick up, will simply read it and do nothing with the information. Reading theory will never bring results, it simply allows you to feel like you are in control, but information that cannot be put into action isn’t worth knowing. This only leads to frustration and the need to learn more theory.

From working on the PUA Training bootcamps, with residential students and with hundreds of private clients, I have seen what can really change people’s perspective in life and therefore the results they create. I do not believe in luck, I believe in hard work and opportunity. I have put together a few tips on how to start to change your life and to make the most of your time on this planet of ours. Please remember that the solutions to our problems are always much simpler than the problem itself. The more simple the solution, the more effective it usually is. Just because something sounds so simple and common sense, please don’t dismiss it. Those who are quick to criticise are usually those who need to action the following steps the most. There is a world of difference between common sense and common practice.

Tip 1. Analyse your life. Cut out or minimise negative activities, people and places.

If you want to take control of your life, you must first actually understand what you life consists of now. Humans are extremely predictable and have very strong pattern behaviour, although we are usually blind to it ourselves. I personally use a 30 minute daily planner (email me if you want it) which allows me to see exactly how I am spending my time and what I am doing. After a week, or even a few days, you will start to spot your patterns and where you can start to make changes.

Before you can start to put in new activities and ways of spending your time, you need to start to cut out the crap. This includes activities, people and places. Remember, the past is gone, the future doesn’t exist, it is what you do now that is important. Where you choose to spend your time, who with and what doing is 100% under your control. Spend your time wisely. If you spend time with people you don’t really like, change it. If you have a job you don’t enjoy, it is your responsibility to do something about it. If you do the same old boring routine every week, then change what you are doing if you want to get different results.

Tip 2. Look after your health

I am no saint by any means, however since my 30th birthday I have made a large change in my life. I decided to stop drinking, I am not sure for how long as of yet. It has been 2 months and I have no intention to start again anytime soon.

I decided to stop drinking it was having a detrimental impact upon my health, and bank balance. I wish I was one of those people who could have just one or two drinks on an evening, however when I get started I go for it and it isn’t long before I am on the shots. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was drinking most nights, either in the pub or at home. Every morning/afternoon I would wake up feeling terrible and lacked motivation to actually do anything. How I even made it to 30 is beyond me.

Since I stopped drinking I have changed a number of habits. By making a change like this, other changes happen as a consequence. For example in the mornings I am able to get up without wanting to die. I have rejoined the gym and go three times a week. My diet has drastically improved. My overall energy levels have sky rocketed and my productivity is off the scale. Overall I feel much better, more motivated and physically stronger.

If you want to take control of your life, you must first take control of your body. You do not eat or drink anything by accident!

Tip 3. Treat someone to something

Although this seems to be frowned upon in the pick up community, I am proud to say I am a nice guy. I make a habit to do nice things for other people, on a regular basis. I love nothing more than taking someone out for dinner, to a show or to do something else fun. Just this weekend I took a very special friend to the theatre for her birthday. She told me it was the nicest present she had ever gotten. Hearing that alone was worth 100 times the cost of the tickets.

Doing something nice for someone doesn’t have to be expensive. I also like cooking for people or taking them to really nice part of London for a walk. I also listen to people and make them feel great about themselves. This is a skill I think everyone should learn.

Think about someone you know and something you would like to treat them to. A friend you haven’t seen for a while or even a family member. When you are nice to other people, they are nice to you. Don’t expect the other person to ever go first, always lead when it comes to giving and generosity.

Tip 4. Treat yourself.

Thankfully I have inexpensive tastes. When I used to drink I used to love drinking champagne (but had beer money). I used to try and motivate myself into doing things on a reward basis, but now I realise to just treat myself all the time and this motivates me more.

A few things that I love with a passion are coffee, massages and going to Primrose Hill (a really nice place in London for those who don’t know about it).

I live in Muswell Hill and there is an old style shop called “Martyns” that roasts their own coffee beans. The coffee they sell is amazing and I am frequent customer. I am having a cup now!  Good times. I am easily pleased it seems.

When I first moved to London I lived on a sofa for several months and also wore a man bag. This royally screwed up my left shoulder and I have had to have physiotherapy to try and rectify the issue. As part of the recovery I was told to go for deep tissue massages, which really hurt but leave you feel amazing afterwards. I now go for a massage at least once every two weeks and my back has never been in better shape.

I also love going to Primrose Hill. The area itself is a pretty part of Regents Park which overlooks London. I like nothing more than strolling around spotting celebrities and pretending I live there! The best thing about it, that it is totally free to do.

Always include into your weekly routine things that bring you pleasure. Don’t remove pleasure from your life to motivate yourself into changing. The more pleasure you inject into your life, the more motivated and passionate you become.

Tip 5. Make a list of 5 places you want to visit

People always talk about the places they would like to visit, yet they have a list of excuses for why they have not yet been. Your life could end any day, so instead of wishing you could have been to these places, make plans to actually go.

Make a list of 5 places that you want to visit and set about making this a reality. If you don’t have the time or money, this is something to work on. Find the time and make the money!

Tip 6. Make a list of 5 things you want to do.

Along with places you want to visit, think about things you want to do. Why haven’t you done these things already? Write down your excuses and see what you can work on to make these things a reality.

When I tell people about this they instantly say silly things that they don’t really want to do. Sky diving, bungee jumping and swimming with dolphins all top the list. But do you actually want to do these things?

I believe that the trick here is to make realistic goals that are within your grasp. When you start to achieve small goals, it starts to propel you into setting and achieving larger ones.

To give you an idea, some of the things I want to do are;

Lose 20 KG by Christmas

To go to London Zoo Late Night opening

Go on a boat trip in Camden

To produce websites which generate passive income

To buy a made to measure suit

So all my goals are different and will require different amounts of effort. Going on boat trip and going to the zoo are obviously the easiest and I will have done both of these within the next 2 weeks, weather permitting. The other goals will take longer, however I know I will do them.

Write down a list of things that you want to do. Don’t stop at 5, just keep writing. Once you have a decent list, start to pick some to actually work on. When it comes to game, what do you want to do? Do you want to go and speak to that girl in the office, or even the girl you see on the bus every day. You may want to take the bootcamp or residential or even just commit to going out and opening 5 sets. Something that people ofen say to me on the bootcamp or residential is “why didn’t I do this years ago?”.

Tip 7. Every morning write down 3 things you are grateful for

Every day we are bombarded with things that we apparently need in our life to be happy. From the latest phone, car, watch, clothes or lifestyle in general. When you watch programs like Sex and the City or Jersey Shores like they are a documentary, it is easy to think your own life is rubbish. The more we have the more we want. We tend to see what we don’t have, not what we do have. This way of experiencing life always leaves us feeling unfulfilled and lowers our self esteem.

I first learned how to adopt a grateful attitude when I became a therapist. Like everyone I have my own problems, but when I had to listen to those of other people, I quickly realised that I was very fortunate.

It sometimes takes an event to make us realise what we have and to cherish it, rather than wanting more all the time. Last year I got a serious eye infection and I was close to losing my sight in my left eye. The infection was caused by a contact lens and I was unable to see properly for several months. It causes massive amounts of pain, endless hours of waiting in hospitals and many sleepless nights. Thankfully after several interventions the doctors were able to stop the infection and save my cornea. I was incredibly thankful for my sight. Only recently I have been able to wear contact lenses again and the world has never looked so good.

I start every single day by writing down 3 things I am thankful for. By changing how my brain scans the world, from what I don’t have to what I do have, it makes a massive difference. Ok so I will never be able to have laser eye surgery now, but I can wear contacts and glasses and see. I will never be a model but I can lose weight and take care of myself. I can never get back the time I wasted in my life, but I can make the most of now and the future.

Get a piece of paper and write down things you are thankful for. Once you start writing you begin to feel much better, it is weird. Make sure this list is in an accessible place and you read it regularly. You can change how you see the world, but it takes time and practice.

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I know that my life could end any day. I also know that when that day comes I will look back on my life and know that I have spent my time well and overall it has been bloody brilliant. Now turn off your laptop for a while and actually do something you have read in this post. Please post here what it is and any changes you have made. You can also email me personally at any time for help and/or advice.

Until I get conclusive proof that there is life after death, I am going to assume that our time here is probably all we get. We tend to regret the things we haven’t done, not things we did. Spend your time wisely, live a happy life and don’t listen to people who talk about the end of the world.

Matt Kendall (Hypnomatt)

Posted by: Hypnomatt | May 19, 2011

Life is Fair! By Matt Kendall

Hey guys

I like the idea of fairness in life. People tend to put themselves into one of two categories; those who are unhappy and think that the world is unfair, and those who happy and think they are fortunate. What I find interesting is that it isn’t material possessions, status or wealth that determines what side of the coin you live on, it is your attitude.

When I am working with clients I have to make one thing extremely clear right from the start. If people cannot grasp and accept this concept then I am not able to help them. The concept I introduce to people is “you are responsible for your own happiness and successes, regardless of what you have been through”. It may not be your fault what has happened to you in the past, however if you are ever going to get the results out of life you want than you have to own your actions and learn to be self disciplined.

When I first start talking to people about this I get the expected backlash. Some recent comments I have had include;

“are you saying it is my fault my dad left home when I was 4, so I never had a role model?”

“it is ok for you, I am only 5’6”,

“but I don’t have time”

“you have no idea what I have been through”

“I am not ready to change”

“but I am unattractive”

“its ok for other guys with great jobs”

“because of my race/religion/skin colour/height/etc I will never be successful”

“I want results now!”

“my parents were never social so I have l inherited their genes”

“every night I stand in front of the mirror for an hour looking at how ugly I am”

People seem to be confused when I tell them that they are responsible for their own actions and consequently their results in life. I have never asked for an explained to the contrary, nor do I care. Until you get out of your “pity party” and “life so hard” mode, no one can help you and you will drive people away.

We live in a blame society. Nothing is ever our fault, it is someone else’s. We blame our parents, society, the government, our friends, the weather, the economy, past partners, current partners, where we live and the list goes on. The only one thing in common with all these things is you! You are at the centre of your world and ultimately your life is your responsibility.  

I was working with a client the other day who working a job he hated, living somewhere that didn’t like and hung out with friends who were a bad influence. He wanted self esteem. He needs to change his life, I told him this and I got the usual excuses to why he couldn’t possible do this. I stopped him mid flow and told him that any excuse he had was totally invalid. He said he couldn’t get another job because he never got his GCSE’s (for this he blames him teachers, his friends and the fact he thought education was boring), he said he can’t move because he has nowhere to go (he has never been out of his town, he is 27) and finally he can’t stop hanging around with his unemployed and drop out mates because they are his mates from school.

I laid out a very simple strategy for him. Firstly he has to retake his GCSE’s by attending night school or distance learning. He has to start to take up new hobbies and interests so he meets new people and finally he has to think about what job he would like and where it would be located. He rejected all the suggestions saying it was OK for me because I was a posh boy or something, and said that he just wanted to feel better about himself now. I told him to investigate the Law of Attraction and ask the universe instead of putting in the work. You never know, it might work out.

People with complex problems seek complex solutions. The solutions are always simple but people dismiss them. Instead of focusing on the solutions, they want to reinforce why they are stuck by giving excuse after excuse to why it wouldn’t work for them. This of course keeps people stuck and now they have people or things to blame. At the end of the day, no one cares! The only person you have to really justify things to yourself is yourself. You are at the centre of your problems, either make the decision to actually do something about it over a prolonged period of time, or shut up.

By now you are probably thinking I am being too harsh, maybe I am. What if people have been through a terrible experience such as abuse or been injured in an accident. Bad things happen and this is not your fault, however how you let this affect your life now is your responsibility! Regardless of why or how, it is up to you to sort it out.

I used to consider myself lucky, but now I don’t. I now consider myself hard working and focused. Nothing good that has happened to me has ever been by accident. I used to feel terribly sorry for myself when I was younger. I always used to compare myself to others and thought I was not as intelligent, funny, charismatic, good looking and a whole host of other things. Instead of focusing on working on solutions, I used to wallow in my own pity. It wasn’t until I admitted to myself that I was the cause of my problems and it is up to me to sort it out, that I ever got results. Since I stopped acting like a victim and started to accept responsibility, my life has changed and developed in ways I could never have imagined just a few years ago.

There are two ways you can choose to live;

Option 1: You can accept responsibility for where you are in life, take control of your actions and put the work in. You make realistic goals and work hard on them. You associate with those people who you want be associated with. You don’t blame other people for your failures and you genuinely add value to people’s lives.

Option 2: You get what is given. Things happen to you which aren’t fair. You want to tell people about your problems and why things didn’t work out the way you wanted. You always have excuses and reasons why not to do something new or different, yet what are currently doing makes you unhappy.

Life is fair. There is no point being bitter at the world for having being dealt a lousy hand in life, it is how you play it that counts. You are at the the centre of your problems and only you can make the change to actually focus on solutions. Until you reach that point, you are your own worst enemy. 

Matt Kendall (Hypnomatt)

Focus on your weak spot for overall strength

Hey guys

Firstly a massive thank you once again to all those who post comments and send me emails.

What I want to post about today is the idea of working on your weak spot/s in order to gain overall strength. Every week I work with guys and they tell me what they are good at and what they are bad at when it comes to interacting with girls. Typically when a guy is good at something he will want to do more of it, if he is bad at something then they tend to avoid it. This strategy allows them to feel successful and avoid things like rejection and failure. However, by avoiding your weak points, you will simply create a large gap between your competency in your skill set leading to a very unbalanced performance overall.

Let me give you an example from my own life. When I was younger I used to go for piano lessons and each week my tutor would set me pieces to learn and practice for the lesson. I can remember one particular piece he gave me to learn, parts of it were rather easy and parts of it were really quite tricky. When I got home I started to go through the tune, I played the bits I liked and found easy over and over. Quite soon I was able to competently play about two thirds of the whole piece at the right speed and without any mistakes. However when I came to a hard section, I would slow right down and the rhythm was completely broken. The hard parts frustrated me, so I often just skipped them altogether.

The next week I went along to my lesson and felt quite confident as I could play most of the tune rather well. As I played, the good parts sounded great but the bad parts sounded awful. My tutor looked at me with a disappointed expression saying “the bad parts brought the whole piece down”. He went on to say “I would have rather you practiced the harder parts and therefore been able to give a more consistent performance, rather than a mix of good and poor sections”.

He was right and I had avoided the parts I found hard because I didn’t want to be bad at them. I was only focused on the parts I was already good at to try and trick myself into thinking I could play the whole piece well. The truth is, if you can’t do something with consistency the whole way through, the bad parts will bring your overall effort down.

So where in your game do you have weak spots? I always get guys wanting to race ahead and do advanced tactics without mastering the basics. Last bootcamp, this guy was asking me how to go for a kiss close, I said that we had to master opening, body language and conversation skills before we get onto that. He said that if someone else opened and brought him in he was ok, but he found it impossible to open by himself. This is what we focused on and he started to get great results.

Write down each individual stage of your game and rate yourself out of 10 for competency. This will include everything such as; fashion, vocal projection, opening, transitioning, dealing with silences, opening 2 sets, direct openers, stopping moving sets, body language, conversation skills, facebook closing, number closing, email closing, kino etc etc.

Once you know where your weal spots are, work on strengthening them. Good game is having consistent game all round and not just excelling in one area. There is little point being able to open well if you can’t close, or if you are great at conversation skills but can’t open!

By focusing on what you are weaker at, it will raise your overall confidence. Most people who say they have approach anxiety actually have anxiety about what comes after the approach, not the approach itself. Plan for what can go wrong and go out and practice. Forget about closing for the time being and instead try to focus on the weak spots as much as you can before you put the whole thing together.

I hope this helps.

Matt Kendall (hypnomatt)

p.s. please subscibe to this blog!

Posted by: Hypnomatt | May 4, 2011

If you could do it, you would do it! By Matt Kendall

I just want to share something really interesting with you. I was working with a client last week at PUA Training who said that one comment made by one of the trainers was worth the cost of the whole week.

The client was taking part on our residential course. This is where the client lives with the trainers in Leister Square and gets 70 hours of 1-2-1 training with a variety of trainers. The client was a very intelligent mature gent who had a headful of theory when it came to game and talking to girls. However, like so many people he was unable to actually put this knowledge into practice.

During one training session the trainer asked him to go and approach a set of 1 girls. The client refused to do so. When asked why he replied “I could if I wanted to but I cant be bothered!”. The trainer came back with “if you could do it, you would do it!”.

This is the moment when he realised that he had been fooling himself for years. The fact was that he knew in theory what to do, but not in practice.

It is great to learn the theory of any subject but if you are unable to put it into practice then it will likely lead to frustration and self talk such as “what is wrong with me?”

My advice is to learn something then go out and do it. Work on your weak points within a skill set to give yourself a balanced approach. Do something over and over until you are completely competent at it.

A good example is when I was a kid I used to have piano lessons. One week I was given a piece to go home and practice. Some of the parts were easy, some were really tricky. Instead of spending my time on the tricky bits I simply played them badly and focused on the parts I could play well. When it came to my next lesson I played the piece to my tutor. The good bits sounded great, the tricky bits sounded terrible. He looked disappointed at me and said “the bad parts brought down the good parts of the tune, making it poor overall”.

Focus on your weak spots, don’t just do what you find easy as this will leave you unbalanced in your skill set resulting in a poor performance overall.

Matt Kendall (hypnomatt)

Posted by: Hypnomatt | April 29, 2011

The Psychology of Goal Setting by Matt Kendall

Hey all

Last night I gave a 90 minute seminar to my meetup group www.interestingtalks.co.uk about the the psychology of goal setting.

This seminar is now live and free to listen to and/or download as an MP3 on my wesite. 

The link is http://realworldhypnotherapy.com/Podcast_Goal_Setting.html

Feel free to pass this link and MP3 onto others.

Matt Kendall

Posted by: Hypnomatt | April 19, 2011

The pain of loneliness by Matt Kendall

The pain of loneliness

Hey guys

Firstly, a big thank you to all the people who post comments and send me emails about the blogs that I write. It really is great to know that people get value out of the articles I write, especially as I tend to cover a lot of topics that are not usually included in the pick up community.

Today I am going to write about something which I know that most men (and women) have to deal with and it often causes us to have low self esteem and to even to take radical actions. I am going to talk about loneliness and how it affects us. As always I am going to be drawing on examples from my own life, those of people who I have worked with and I will try to offer some tips and advice to help you to avoid this terrible state of mind.

This evening I am feeling rather lonely myself. The reason is that I was meant to be going to a meetup, but I managed to put my back out doing the super alpha male activity of cleaning my bathroom. That’s right, as I cleaned the sink, an old football injury once again paid me a little return visit that has caused me to me to spend several days at home, covered in deep heat and texting people until they are sick of me. Not only was I lonely, I was bored out of my mind. Instead of wallowing in my pit of despair, I have necked some pain killers and made myself write this blog post. I actually feel better already.

So what is loneliness? Why do we feel it and most importantly, what can we do about it?

Wikipedia describes loneliness as “Loneliness is an unpleasant feeling in which a person experiences a strong sense of emptiness and solitude resulting from inadequate levels of social relationships. However, it is a subjective experience. Loneliness has also been described as social pain – a psychological mechanism meant to alert an individual of undesired isolation and motivate her/him to seek social connections.

I believe that when you are lonely, it is because you are not sharing some sort of connection with other like minded people. This means that it is possible to feel lonely even when you are with other people, simply because you don’t share a connection with them. When you are with people without this connection, conversation can feel forced and you are often uninterested in what other people have to say. Being with the same people all the time, or even with old social groups who you no longer have common goals with can make you feel lonely.

I like to say people “feel” lonely because most people say that actually physically “feel” it. For me it is a sinking feeling in my stomach that not only makes me lethargic, but it sets of a series of negative thoughts, usually causing me to feel bad about myself. Once the feeling of loneliness takes hold it can cause a cascade of thoughts and emotions that can often lead us to take escape route actions ranging from drugs, alcohol and doing things like contacting ex partners. We have all been there, I assure you.

The lonelier we feel, the bigger the surge of happy feeling we need to counteract it. We have all developed coping strategies for dealing with feeling lonely, however these strategies can also be the cause of why we are alone to start with. Excessive console gaming, internet use, watching TV, drinking at home and drug abuse will often isolate us from the outside world. A recent client I was working with said that he often feels lonely so he stays in and plays on his X Box. I said to him that staying in and playing X Box is contributing to his loneliness, not helping as a resource for escaping the feeling.

Clients who I have worked with who report being lonely will often have some if not all of the below characteristics in common;

They live with their parents, alone or in a houses share with people they hardly know

They do the same things and activities every week

They have the same friends now as when they did at school

They want to try new things but can not get their friends to do it with them

They spend a lot of time on the internet

They spend a lot of time playing games consoles

They are either unemployed or in a job that doesn’t interest or challenge them

They fail to make plans for the evenings and weekends

They often have put little effort into their style and grooming

They talk a lot about negative subjects

They watch an excessive amount of news and even research conspiracy theories

They are often very lethargic and take little structured exercise

Their sleeping cycle is often sporadic, staying up late at night and sleeping in till all hours

They eat the same 5-6 meals all the time

They lack motivation, passion and a lust for life

They spend a lot of time thinking about the mistakes they made in the past

They blame others/society for their issues

They view their future as bleak

They don’t know what the problem is, they just want to stop feeling this way

They want to get back to being the person they used to be

They meet very few new people and tend to avoid social situations

They feel other people are happier than them and are more successful

They are often ill

Do you recognise any of the above symptoms in your own life? I think that at one time or another, I have experienced everything on the list and probably a whole load more. Being lonely is a natural feeling, however instead of letting it drag you down, you can use it to motivate you into doing things differently. When you change your methods, you change your results.

Out of all the symptoms of loneliness, probably the biggest thing I hear is “if I had X, I would feel Y”. For example, if I had a girlfriend, I would be happy. If I was thinner, I would like myself. If I had money, I would be fulfilled. Trying to predict how you would feel is such an event should take place will always end in disappointment. This is for 2 reasons, firstly the thing will probably never happen (i.e. getting rich), and secondly it may raise your mood for a while but you are likely to return back to your happiness set point. This means you are screwed if you don’t achieve your goal, and screwed if you do achieve it. I recently met this rich dude who told me something really interesting. He said that there are only two great days when you are a yacht owner. The day you buy it and the day you sell it. All the time in-between is an expensive pain in the ass.

From working with a wide variety of clients who tell me they are lonely, I have noticed a very common pattern. Those people who complain of being lonely are usually those people who spend a lot of time being alone! I have tested a variety of strategies to help people overcome and cope with loneliness. I believe that loneliness is both a physical and psychological condition and both aspects can be addressed and improved. When I say physical I mean what you are doing and who with, psychological is more to do with self esteem and emotions.  

The reason why you are experiencing loneliness can vary. The typical stories I hear are usually one of the following;

You have moved to a new town or city with work and don’t know anyone.

 You have noticed that your circle of friends are getting married, having kids and settling down. Leaving little time for things you used to do.

 You have split up with a long term partner.

 You are basically just bored with your current friends and life, and have become more and more reclusive.

One more thing I want to mention is that being in pain is actually very seductive. People like having problems and suffering. You get used to the pain and make it part of your life. The thought is change is overwhelming and instead of doing so you go further into your pit of despair. I will write a whole blog post on this issue in the near future.

Ok so now we have a good idea about what loneliness is and its symptoms, it is time to start to take steps to get out of this way of feeling. The below tips are in no particular order and they have all been tried and tested by myself and my clients countless times. Some of the things won’t suit you, that is cool. Just try to adopt some of them and just see the changes they can bring. Take things slowly and build up as you go.

My final thing before I get into the steps is that prevention is better than cure. It is far better to prevent loneliness than to try and cure it. By taking preventative measures now, you can avoid feeling lonely in the future.

Take responsibility for your happiness

When I work with clients, most are quick to list people, events or circumstances that are the reason for why they are the way they are. What has happened to you in the past may not be your fault, but if you want to make real changes you need to take control of your life. You are your actions! No one is going to help you make changes until you decide to do something about it. Instead of focusing what is wrong with your life, we need to start to build resources and escape routes so you can have a happier existence.

Changing your social circles

There is an old saying that you become your peers. Who you spend time with heavily influences you and your choices in life, being either constrictive or inspirational. Look at your current social circle, are they helping or hindering you? If you want to change what you are doing then it is going to be vital that you change who you spend time with. Identify those who are holding you back and stop seeing them as much. Identify who you are want be more like and spend as much time as possible with them. Don’t compare yourself to someone who is more successful than yourself as this will cause your esteem to lower. Instead, see someone who is more successful as someone to learn from. See what behaviours they have and see what you can adopt into your own life.

Taking it 1 day at a time

I have recently been researching a lot of CBT techniques and have found them to have been extremely helpful, in both my own development and when working with clients. I now live my life in 30 minute segments. I have an A4 sheet for each day that goes from 8am through to 1am. This allows me to plan my day and to also record everything I am doing.

It is easy for time to slip away or to say you are too busy to do something. By monitoring your life in 30 minute segments, it really allows you to see your own patterns. I have been doing this now for a month and I have been extremely productive as a result. When you can actually see your progress in a written form it makes you want to improve and take on larger challenges. I have this sheet if anyone would like it. Please email me at hypnomatt@puatraining.com and put “daily planner” in the subject bar and I will fire it over. I will also try and upload it here at some point.

Taking care of your body

Loneliness and lethargy seem to go hand in hand. “I want to go out and meet people but I am too tired”. Hush now. Time to start taking care of yourself. Look at your diet, does it consist on take aways or healthy foods? Do you take pride in your appearance? Is the only exercise you do “internet related?” is so then you need to start to take a long look at your diet, appearance and lifestyle. You need to use energy to make energy, yet this is not going to be pleasant at first but you will start to see the benefits.

Planning future events

What are you doing next weekend? Do you have anything planned for evenings this week after work? If not then this is an area you need to get on. An amazing resource than I can not endorse enough is www.meetup.com. This is an amazing place to meet people who are doing activities that you want to do. Just visit the site and check it out.

“Fail to plan and plan to fail”, is a quote my business mentor once told me. You need to put time and effort into your social life and take it seriously. Planning is an essential part of avoiding being lonely. When you plan things in advance it gives you things to look forward to, which in turn raises your happiness set point (this is another thing I will write about in future).

Have photo of happy memories

When we think of the past we often think about all the things that have gone wrong. We can forget the amazing times we have had as our thought processes become more and more negative. Instead of always scanning for negative issues, we can actually start to train our brain to think more positively. I am NOT talking about tree hugging hippy crap, I am talking about a new area of research called “Positive Psychology”.

One technique of thinking more positively is to have photos on display all the time reminding you of great times of your life. I recently purchased 2 photo wall hangers which hold 20 photos on each side. I am printing off great pictures that are tucked away hidden on my phone and hard drive and putting them where I can see them every day.

If you don’t have any pictures to print, then ask your friends if they have any of you in them. If this isn’t the case, then get a camera and get your ass to cool places and start clicking. Reading that last sentence back actually made me cringe.

The pictures don’t have to be of you, they can be of places you have been instead (some people don’t like having their picture taken). The pictures can also be of friends, both old and new. I love London and I love taking pictures on my phone. Make this a practice in your life and if possible try to make the pictures as colourful as possible. Also try to hang the pictures above eye level so you have to look up at them. The colour and position of pictures has psychological impacts, i.e. they make you feel better when looking at them.

Ban your biggest vice

A great exercise is self control and getting you our meeting new people is to ban your biggest vice or vices. My biggest vices are alcohol and using my laptop. On my birthday (24th March) I decided to stop drinking, this has had a massive impact on my life. I thought it was going to be really hard, it has in fact been really easy. Because I made such a big change it actually changed my activities and who I hang around with.

My other big vice is the internet and especially Youtube. It wasn’t a rare occurrence for me to be still watching clips at 4am instead of getting my beauty sleep. To counteract this I have banned myself from using my laptop for any reason after 8pm. This was much hard to give up than drinking, but again it has made massive changes in my life. I don’t have a TV so without my laptop it forces me to either read, go out and generally do more productive things.

What is your biggest vice that is keeping you from being with other people? Do you watch too much TV, play on X Box all night or addicted to DVDs? Time to self regulate and impose your own limits on these activities. It is bloody weird and strange at first but embrace the pain and after just a short while you will experience results.

Purpose in life

Wow, big one. OK I am not a believer that we are all here as part of a plan and we actually have much of a purpose. I actually believe that we are very insignificant and when we die the world will carry on just fine without us. I also believe that by knowing our place in the world and surrendering to the fact we actually have little control over what happens, it is rather enlightening. Saying that we do have a lot of control over our own behaviours and how we react to situations.

By creating a purpose or role within a scene, gives you a feeling of wellbeing and really elevates your happiness and gets you meeting new people with a common goal. An example of this is I have started several groups on meetup. I have started a group that delivers monthly talks on psychology, a workshop group for therapists and also a business networking group for North Londoners. These are my own little creations and without simply wouldn’t exist. Knowing that I am providing these events which give a lot of value to people is simply amazing. I have met so many people through doing these events.

Practice grateful through processes

Please be assured that I am not turning into a happy clappy hippy. However some of the processes in Positive Psychology and CBT really are effective. It is possible to start to retrain your brain by incorporating small changes in your behaviour on a daily basis. A practice I now do is when I get up I write down 3 things I am grateful for. This can range from having somewhere nice to live, to having friends, a loving family, your health, your car or whatever it is.

A lot of depression is associated with what people don’t have. If I had x I would feel y. However the more you have, the more you want and are never likely to be happy by following this mindset. By being more accepting and grateful to what you already have, it can literally start to change the way you think and interact with people.

Take up juggling

WTF I hear you cry. Why should I take up juggling? I know it sounds weird and stupid, however there is a lot of research being done on the effects of juggling and brain function. It is incredibly beneficial and can help to stimulate brain growth if practiced over a 6 month period. It makes your brain more resourceful and can help to prevent depression. It is also fun and cool to do. I am doing a lot of research into practices like juggling and will write more blog posts about it in future.

OK I am done. Well done for getting though this article, it actually turned out to be about 3 times longer than originally planned for. Remember that loneliness is something can be prevented and also worked on. Look at the above strategies and start to implement them in your own life. They are all quite simple to do and just require a bit of self discipline.

Matt Kendall (Hypnomatt)

p.s. if all the above strategies fail then you should do some energy work and open up your chakras ;)

Posted by: Hypnomatt | April 5, 2011

Effective Goal Setting Workshop with Matt Kendall

Interesting Talks

Effective Goal Setting Workshop

The next interesting talks event is going to be held on Thursday 28th April at the Comedy Pub near Leister Square. The event will start at 7pm and end at approximately 9pm with plenty of time for drinking and networking afterwards.

The next event is going to be more of a workshop than a talk. This time we are going to look to how to effectively set and achieve goals in life. For the past several years I have worked with approximately 600 clients who all wanted to achieve something in their lives. People’s goals vary from wanting to get fit, to find a partner in life or to achieve a level of wealth.

This workshop is going to focus purely on how to effectively plan and achieve goals. This workshop is suitable for both those who work as therapists/practitioners who work with clients, and people who want to achieve their own goals.

This is a practical workshop and not “make a wish and hope the universe delivers” type of new age crap. This is also NOT a motivational seminar, I am not going to pump you up or get you to make massive impossible goals as this can lead to low self esteem. I will explain all about this in the workshop.

Interesting Talks always supports a children’s charity. In the past due to the kindness of the attendees we have raised nearly £1000 for UNICEF. At this next event we are going to help a children’s charity who are helping provide safe places for children in Japan after the tsunami and earthquake.

We ask that those who are attending to make a £10 donation towards this cause. All donations are through our just giving site and go straight to the charity. When you have made your donation your name will be added to our attendee list.

Please make your donation here http://www.justgiving.com/Matt-Kendall0 once you have made your donation you will be sent an email with all the event details. To see the meetup group please visit www.interestingtalks.co.uk

I am aiming to raise £500 at this event, therefore I am going to set the limit at 50 attendees. This will sell out, so make sure you reserve your seat ASAP by placing your donation now.

I am also looking to hold a raffle at the event and I am seeking prizes. If you are able to donate a prize for this very worth while event, please contact me at matt@realworldhypnotherapy.com

See you on the 28th April

Matt Kendall

Posted by: Hypnomatt | March 31, 2011

Middle Aged Man Turns Life Around!!!

Kevin is in his mid 40’s and had recently come out of a long term relationship. He had read some on my articles and started to build a new life for himself however he suffered from social anxiety along with issues with his looks. Like a lot of people with negative self image, Kevin suffered from bullying at school which had left a lasting impression.

In just 2 sessions I was able to help him clear out these negative past memories so he can start to enjoy life to the full. He went from being a reclusive shy guy, to someone who is chatting up models, learning to surf and getting the most out of life!

Listen to this 30 minute interview here http://www.vimeo.com/21691298

Posted by: Hypnomatt | March 8, 2011

Avoid going all “Charlie Sheen” By Matt Kendall

Posted by: Hypnomatt | March 2, 2011

How to deal with approach anxiety. By Matt Kendall

Hey guys

Firstly a massive thank you to all those who have left comments on my earlier posts. Please keep the comments and questions coming. Thank you to all those who have emailed me privately about my articles. It is always great to hear that people are getting value out of the posts. If you have a question about anything I write then please post it as a comment so I can reply and others get the benefit of the answer too.

As it is the New Year, I thought I would write a post about what I consider to be a massive stumbling block with guys, APPROACH ANXIETY. Just saying it can strike fear into your heart, make your body freeze and your mind go blank. I personally think cold approaching should be the last thing you learn in game, it is often the first thing you are taught. If you have never approached a girl cold before then this can be extremely daunting. In this article I want to try and break down the steps of approaching and remove a lot of the anxiety that surrounds it.

I have been working in the area of confidence and social anxiety for a number of years. Throughout my time I have worked with hundreds of clients from a variety of backgrounds and skill level. Although I help people with confidence, I am not into the NLP type of state control and forcing yourself through the pain barriers etc. I take a much more logical and methodical approach that doesn’t require pumping yourself up and exposing yourself to painful situations.

Like I mentioned above, I believe that cold approaching is the last thing people should learn. There are two types of game, day and night and the approaches are different for both. In day game you are likely to have a more relaxed interaction with girls and speak to the “real” them, where as at night you will probably be meeting them in bars and clubs. Meeting girls in bars and clubs is often very competitive and other factors such as her friends, loud music, alcohol and other men will have effects on your success. Girls also expect to be approached by drunk guys in this environment and will often try to get rid of you as quickly as possible. This is also described as having a “bitch shield”. I am far too lazy to bother to try and disarm this shield or worry about things like frame control etc.

When approaching at night, guys will often use things like alcohol and drugs to help with the anxiety. I personally do not have a problem with drinking (I am quite a fan actually) but to rely on it to meet people will become a crutch. When you are drunk you are not in control of your faculties and can end up making a tit of yourself (trust me I have done this on numerous occasions). When you meet a girl in a club or bar you are also not likely to have much in common with her, unless it is a more specialised venue such as a rock club or salsa bar etc.

When I work with guys when helping them to meet girls they often say that they have nothing to say and are worried about rejection. Both of these issues are very real and will cause problems. However by planning and working out logistics, these issues can be completely avoided and therefore reducing anxiety greatly.

I personally do not like clubs very much, especially the big tacky ones in Central London. I don’t like dealing with drunk girls and I am not trying to kiss close or extract. I know that a lot of PUA guys want to K close and extract and clubs are probably the best bet for doing this. I am however past this stage in my life and I am looking to get into a relationship again. Boring I know, but I guess I am quite old fashioned in many ways.

The first thing I suggest is to actually work out the types of girls that you are interested in. The things that I take into consideration are;

Age

Religion/race

Nationality

Career/job type

Where she lives

Her interests

Drink and drug use

Political and/or social standing

Music tastes

Hobbies and interests

Views on relationships/sex

There are loads more variables to consider but these should get you thinking. When you start to think about what type of girls you like it allows you to meet them in much more natural ways. If you are interested in young drunk girls who are looking to get laid, then they are probably in the big tacky clubs. However would you want to make one of these girls your girlfriend?

I know what types of girls I am interested in and they are not likely to be in “Tiger Tiger” on a Thursday night doing shooters. I am looking for an English girl aged between 24-30, who lives in North London and has an interest in psychology. I also want her to have a good job and an active social life that involves more than getting pissed with her friends. She needs to be an independent person with her own life and interests but is looking to get into a relationship. Also I want to get to know her over a period of time and not just escalate straight away.

Once you start to determine the qualities you are looking for in a girl, you can start to work out the most likely places they will be. Let’s say that there are 1000 girls in a big club, I would guess that less than 5% would come anywhere close to the criteria I am looking for. That means a lot of work opening girls and trying to establish a connection, plus I will be in competition with all the other guys in there. This sounds like far too much hard work for my liking.

Instead of competing with other guys and trying to find girls I might have a connection with, I focus my time and efforts. I am always busy with work and I do not have the time to meet loads of potential girlfriends. One amazing resource I use is meetup.com. Simply make a free online profile and enter your interests, then it brings up a list of events in your area where people are meeting for these exact purposes. It is like shooting fish in a barrel!

This week I am attending two meet ups, one is about creating an impact with your blog and the other is a talk about scepticism and the dangers of holistic therapies. Both of these events I am very much interested in. I would still attend even if I was in a relationship anyway. I know that when I go to these events I am going to be able to speak to anyone easily, naturally and actually have things to say.

When you meet people at a focused event then they are expecting to meet and talk to new people. You have a shared rapport and connection from the start and you will often have girls open you! By taking the techniques you learn in game and putting them into these kind of situations, you can really improve your results and by putting in less effort. This is my kind of Game ;)

So here are some pointers and strategies I use for meeting and dating girls.

Firstly I go through the above list about the type of girls I want to meet. I then use meet up and google to find events where these types of girls would be.

I prepare a lot of the things I am going to talk about! This might sound like having routines, I guess it is. I always research things I am going to talk about with people and I take notes with me. I never run out of things to say because I several topics researched and a cheat sheet about the subject. This also makes me high value as knowledge is a valuable thing.

I make sure that I am dressed well. I will always wear my black pointy shoes, slim cut jeans, black shirt or v neck t-shirt, fitted black blazer. I am always so surprised to see just how badly most men dress. You don’t have to be that well dressed in a smaller group to command attention. In a club environment there will always be better dressed guys than you, not so in small focused groups. It is very easy to get to the top of a small group of people, you are basically running your own race.

When I take a girl’s details it is for a specific reason. I have a wealth of resources when it comes to the things I am interested in. These resources include DVDs, events I am involved in, books, youtube clips, articles, podcasts and a whole load more. I never say “what is the best way to keep in contact” instead I take their email address and send them something they actually want. This is soooooo much more solid. Also I am not afraid of rejection as I am not allowing them to reject me. At this point I am simply offering them something of value that they want and I am not trying to escalate with them. If they ever say “I have a boyfriend” (which they never do when I use these methods by the way) then I would tell them that I am not looking to be their boyfriend. At this point of the interaction I am not interested in escalating with her at all. These days I would only kiss someone who I really like and know well. Seriously I must be getting old.

I like to send girls emails rather than take number for several reasons. One reason is that I am not a fan of texting as it is far too complicated. I also don’t like to be bothered all day long with texts, I have much more important things to do. My voice and 1-2-1 skills are my best features so I want to make sure that I see people in person. I also like emails because in my signature I have links to my website and other things I am involved in. This allows the person to learn more about me in a controlled way.

I do not go on “dates” with girls who I am not already in some sort of relationship with. When I say date I mean going for a drink or for a meal. I much prefer to take girls out on dates who I am already seeing, as it is much more fun and more relaxed. I have never found dating girls a good way to get to know someone. To avoid this I instead invite girls to things I am already doing. This is a much better way of getting to know someone as the thing we are doing has a focus and they usually get to see the best sides of me. If we meet for a drink in a pub then I am likely to just get drunk, the focus is just on each other, we will probably run out of things to talk about and it is generally just a high pressured and awkward situation. Instead by having a girl come to something you are already doing it sends out a much stronger signal. It shows that you have a life and that you are not just trying to sleep with her, so anxiety is reduced. It also allows you to show yourself in your best light. An example is that I give a lot of talks and speeches, it is far better for someone wanting to get to know me to come and see me do this rather than go on a date. I will have a lot of value in the room and they will see me doing something I am good at. Much more attractive than getting smashed and then trying to kiss her. Instead focus on what would cause attraction.

I never begin to escalate when it can’t lead somewhere. If you want people to behave in a certain way, then you need to get them into the state where the behaviour would be natural. I would only escalate properly on a girl when we were in private, either at my place or theirs. I use my skills to guide them into the required states (this is another post) and therefore reducing friction as much as possible. I want things to feel right. Of course I am guiding this, but I do it smoothly and naturally.  

Ok this post has gone on for far too long so time to wrap it up. My top tips for reducing approach anxiety are;

1.Work out where the types of girls are that you want to meet
2.Get your fashion and look sorted out
3.Do you research using google and meetup and book up to attend events etc
4.Research conversation topics and create cheat sheets to take with you (I do this!)
5.Go along to the event and meet lots of new people, exchange details for a specific reason
6.Email or contact the girl/s with what you have promised
7.Continue to build comfort via facebook, email, text etc etc
8.Invite them to something you are already doing, preferably where you have social proof and value
9.Build up a lot of comfort and naturally isolate and escalate
10.Have fun times :)
There is no time scale on these steps, but I do them in this order. I often see girls several times before I want to isolate and escalate with them. I think that this is a great way to find someone who you will have a lot in common with and build a genuine connection. When you meet at event where you have something in common, approaching is so incredibly easy. In fact girls are likely to open you. You will not get “rejected” as girls are not screening you like they do in a club. This allows you to go under the radar and actually get to know her and not some bitch shield.

Logistics are a massive part of game and are so easily overlooked. I am going to be writing a lot of articles about logistics and how to get things sorted out. Confidence comes through competency! The more you plan and do, the more competent you become.

Matt Kendall (hypnomatt)

Posted by: Hypnomatt | March 2, 2011

How to be accountable to yourself. By Matt Kendall

Hey guys

Today I want to talk about making changes in your life. Every day I work with people helping them to change their pattern behaviours to therefore get different results. Recently I have been doing a lot of work on myself and starting to see real results. I hope that you take from this blog some helpful tips that you can incorporate into your own life.

For the last few weeks I have been feeling rather sorry for myself, to the point where I had to make some changes in my life. I wear contact lenses (the type you sleep in) and a few weeks ago I got a really bad eye infection that was not only painful but it really restricted my sight. It started one morning as I woke up, it felt like someone was pushing their thumb into my eye and it was watering like crazy. I put up with it for a day thinking it was hay fever and stocked up on sprays and drops. By the next morning it looked like I had been punched by Mike Tyson so I guessed I better get it looked it.

I went to my local opticians as it is only round the corner from where I live. They said that I had to immediately go to the eye hospital and gave me a letter of referral. By this time it was 11am and I was concerned because I was due to catch a train to Chichester to attend a neurology workshop the next day. I asked if I could put it off until I got back, it was a firm “no”.

So barely being able to see I packed my bags and went to the hospital, thinking it would be quicker to just get the train after the hospital visit. I then had to get myself from North London to Old Street via the tube. It was bloody difficult, trying to navigate the tube without being able to properly see. By asking a lot of people and squinting (I stupidly have not got a pair of glasses) I managed to find the hospital and register at the desk. I was there for over 5 hours and I was given drops that I had to administer once an hour, 24 hours a day!

By this time I had missed my train, I was down in the dumps and could hardly make out the world around me. Although I only had an infection in my left eye, my right eye was being “sympathetic” and was too extremely sensitive to light. My eyes were in fact so sensitive to light I couldn’t even look at my laptop screen or TV!

I sat outside the hospital thinking what to do. I had a hotel booked and was due to attend the course the next morning, not only that I had to teach on a PUA Training bootcamp that weekend too. I made the decision to go home and feel sorry for myself. I then saw out of my blurry eyes several people with horrific injuries to their eyes and face coming into accident and emergency and it really put my issue into perspective. So I had a little word with myself, I said “Matt, stop being a little bitch and go to Chichester”. I stopped being a little bitch and I went.

I took myself off to Victoria station and got the next train to Chichester. Although I had to pay 5 times the amount for the ticket than what I had already paid online, I was feeling rather pleased with myself. By the time I got to the hotel and checked in, I was positively brimming with confidence and in a good mood. I treated myself to a curry and then went to bother the barmaids in a local pub near where I was staying. The course went well and I came back to London knowing that by going I had gained so much more than just staying at home and moaning about how unfair life was.

Although I was unable to see, I dragged my sorry ass down to the PUA Training bootcamp. I give a 2 hour talk on Sunday mornings, I have not missed a single bootcamp in over 18 months and I was not going to start now.

My phone alarm was set to go off every hour, day and night, to put the drops in. After a few days I had a realisation ‘where does all the time go?’ Every hour my phone would beep, I put in the drops and I also thought to myself “what have I actually done in the last hour?” I began to realise just how precious time was and then something even weirder happened. I passed a hotel on my way home and it was advertising for Christmas booking. I checked my phone and realised we are in the 10th month of the year, how to heck did that happen? I am sure it was only Christmas a couple of months ago! It certainly feels like it anyway.

One major excuse I get from my clients is that they do not have the time to make changes, or that it isn’t the right time for them. From being so conscious about time flying by I firmly believe that there is never a right time to start something, in fact when you think it is a bad time it is probably the best time.

Over the following three weeks I had to go to hospital 7 times, with more visits planned. My eye infection was actually quite serious and for some reason all the drops they gave me didn’t work as expected. Thankfully now my eye is 90% better and I can use my laptop again without wearing sunglasses. Over the last 3 weeks I have also been accessing my life, goals and what it is I really want to do and how to make changes. The course that I attended in Chichester focused a lot of how the brain works in relation to pattern behaviour and how to make real world changes. Over this period I decided that I am going to take firm action on something that I have toyed with for several years but never actually achieved the results I wanted. The thing I started to really address was my weight.

I believe that we all have one big thing we would like to change in our life, it is our big excuse to why we have not done as well as we could have. We become addicted to our excuses as it makes us feel better about not achieving our goals, it gives us something to blame. I hope that by reading this post it might start to give you a bit of motivation towards making changes in your life and starting to tackle your big challenge in life.

So first things first. Before I started to tackle the problem I needed to find out where I was. It is pointless making a goal if you don’t know where you are starting from. For the first time in a long time I stood on the scales, took a deep breath and looked down. It was not good. I then went online and checked the NHS height and weight chart and literally had a heart attack when I saw what category I was in and what I should actually weigh. I called the doctor and made an appointment later that week to get a professional opinion of my weight and also what is a healthy amount to lose and at what rate.

The doctors appointment came and as I sat in his office he asked me what the problem was. I said that I have decided to finally get my weight under control and I wanted to know what shape I was in and the best way to go about it. He weighed and measured me and put all the info into his computer. He then told me something that cheered me up. He said that to get to my “ideal” weight as directed on the NHS chart would be “bloody crazy!”. He had an Italian accent and was rather camp so it made it all the more humorous. He told me that a realistic amount of weight to lose would be 12 KGs over 3 or so months, so basically by Christmas. He also wanted me to see his dietician to help me on my way. 

After feeling much better after seeing the doctor I had my appointment with the dietician. We talked about the amount I wanted to lose and how to make lots of little changes in my diet. She said that for the next week or so, try not to make many changes but instead keep an honest food diary. She said once you start to record what you are eating, it is easy to see where the problems are and how to make changes.

When I work with clients I always tell them the advantages of keeping a diary and now it was my turn with food and drink. This is where the title of the post comes into play as I had to be accountable to myself. It is actually much harder and difficult than you may think. When we live our lives day to day we simply do not notice our patterns. When you have to write things down it makes a huge psychological difference.

I kept an honest food diary for a week, what I ate and drank and at what time. I also started to record what activities I was doing each day and how I was spending my time. After the week was up it was easy to see why I am over weight and where I need to make changes. I drank a lot more than I realised and it hadn’t been a particularly heavy week! I was eating rubbish convenient food and at the wrong times i.e. late at night. It also seemed that a lot of it was linked with drinking.

When you start writing down what you do you can really start to see your own patterns. You can then start to make real world tangible changes to what you are doing to make sure you get different results. Since I started with the weight loss effort, I have reduced my drinking, started to prepare more food at home and stopped eating so much junk. As a result I have lost 3kg which was confirmed by the dietician I have been seeing. Making small changes is the only way to make a large overall change.

Now that I have started to sort my diet out I am starting to focus on exercise. I am a member of a local gym, however it is a bit basic and also quite a walk from my house. There is an amazing gym 2 minutes from my house but is it very, very expensive. I see this as an investment in myself and I know that I will get value for money from it. I am actually joining this afternoon, now my previous membership has expired. I am having a professional program done for me, so again working with professionals.

Over the past few years I have worked with hundreds of clients and I have seen the changes they have made to get real results. I want to leave you with a few pointers to take away from this blog so you can start to implement changes in your life and start to achieve your goals.

Step 1

Work out what it is you actually want to do.

You have to make the goal tangible and measurable. For example I want to lose weight, this is very easy to measure. In game terms it could be to make a certain amount of approaches or even to improve your social life. If you want to work on your social life then make it specific, for example have a goal of going out 3 times a week, once with friends, once to an exhibition and once for a meal etc etc. Once you have a tangible goal you have something to measure.

Step 2

Make a real assessment of where you currently are.

If you do not know where you currently are, then you can not make plans to where you want to get to. I would start by keeping an honest diary or some other way of monitoring what you are currently doing. This will then be your starting point.

Step 3

Make mini goals

Once you know where you are and where you want to get to, break it down into mini goals. For example I want to lose 12 kgs, however this is broken down into monthly 3 kg goals. If you want to improve your game then you could make it a goal to open 5 girls a day. Remember the goals have to be tangible and measurable.

Step 4

Quit you whining and get to it!

If you make a realistic goal, work out where you are and then make steps towards it, then it is quite hard to actually fail.

I want to mention three really important points about making any changes in your life. Firstly is speed of implementation. Secondly is working with professionals. Thirdly is passion and motivation.

Speed of implementation. The longer you leave something, the less likely it will ever happen! Start working on this today. Not tomorrow, not next week, today! There is nothing worse than someone with a goal who constantly goes on about it yet takes no action.

Working with professionals is going to accelerate your progress. Yes, this is going to cost money. You have to decide if your life is worth it or not. When you pay for professional help, you get professional results.

Passion and motivation is something that always comes up with my clients. My advice is to do something for 2 months, without excuse, then we will talk about passion and motivation. Once you are involved with something and you are getting results, you develop passion and motivation. Wanting to have passion and motivation for something before you start is simply retarded.

I want to end on a really important point. You are 100% responsible for your life. Whether you achieve your goals in life or not, no one really cares! Stop making bullshit excuses and get on with it.

Matt Kendall a.k.a Hypnomatt

p.s. please feel free to ignore all the above advice and instead use the “Law of Attraction” or some other tree hugging hippy crap.

Posted by: Hypnomatt | March 2, 2011

How to face up to reality. By Matt Kendall

Hey guys

I  am going to have a bit of a rant today. It is cold and I have drunk a lot of coffee. I hope you can take some useful tips from this post. Please leave a comment for the post and tweet or facebook it, or whatever those buttons are. I do get a lot of emails from people who read my blogs, instead of contacting me please post them here so I can reply and everyone gets the benefit of the answer. Please note that the clients who I refer to in this post have given their full permission and has approved it prior to publishing. 

A client came to see me last month, he wanted motivation, self esteem, passion for life and a list of other crap he had read in self help books. He had attended a motivation seminar earlier this year, but surprising this did not have lasting results. He had even tried EFT, the practice of tapping your face and other magical energy points on your body while repeating mantras like “I fully accept myself” etc. If you think EFT will get you results then I have some magic beans you might be interested in buying. Also you can earn £10k a month just by working 2 hours a week from home. If something seems too good to be true, that is because it is. Maybe I am just cynical and should learn how to use the “Law of Attraction”, maybe not. 

My first question to everyone I work with is “what do you want?” His reply was “I want my life back”. He is currently out of work and sits around all day in his little dingy bedsit, which is above a take away in a bad part of London. He does not have any friends, his family are distant and he fills his days by playing computer games, drinking and smoking a lot of weed. It is not hard to see why people get depressed, if I had his life I certainly would be too.

Although his life seems crappy now, it wasn’t always this way. 2 years ago he was a successful business man with him own company. He had a nice girlfriend, a good social circle and overall enjoyed life. Everything was fine until the recession hit and the banks overnight cut his credit limit. This had catastrophic results on his business and it imploded within a week. He lost his house, his business, his girlfriend and most important his sense of worth/motivation/self esteem/inner game/fill in the blank for yourself. For the past two years he has tried to escape his current reality with drink, drugs, computer games and anything else that takes his mind of his problems.

His aim was to get back to being the person he once was. Unfortunately I do not have a time machine so I was unable to help him with this request. This is what so many people want to achieve, they want to go back in time to when they were happy. So many of my friends reminisce and talk about the “good old days” back at uni or at school and when they had so much fun. I am having the best time of my life now, I believe it should always be that way.

The opposite to living in the past is to live in the future. People have massive delusions about what they are going to achieve, fuelled by the self help industry. People often create fantasy worlds about the future as this makes their life bearable now. The sad reality is that this is highly unlikely to ever happen and their lives are going to get progressively worse.

Getting back to my client, he is extremely bitter and a lot of this is towards his bank. He blames his current state on his bank for cutting his credit limit and therefore imploding his business, which caused him to lose his house etc etc. I asked him “do you think your bank actually cares?” he said “they should”, I said “well, they don’t”. Being angry about someone or something is not going to ever help you. You are responsible for your own happiness and success. Yes life does throw a lot of crap at you, but it is how you deal with it that really matters.

As we talked I started to find out that is wasn’t completely the banks fault. It turns out that he relied far too much on the bank and credit lines which made his business highly venerable. If I was able to put him back the person he was before the credit crunch, then he is likely to make the same mistakes again. You can not change the past, but you can learn from it.

So what do I mean by this. Well there are two sides to everything, what you are doing and responsible for and what other people do and are responsible for. A large proportion of people who are a victim of a crime at the hands of another person, are much more likely to endure the issue again, when compared to people who have never been a victim in the first place. If you have been mugged, raped, assaulted or abused then you are more likely to go through it again if you do not learn from your past and change what you are doing. The majority of all crime is circumstantial, i.e. you happen to be in a certain place or situation.

Ok let’s get into this. A guy came to see me a few weeks ago how has been mugged 3 times in the last month. Unlucky? Yes, but his actions were also contributing to these events. Every time he had been mugged he has been out drinking and walking home alone. The way he walks is past several cash machines at about 3am and is in a bad part of London. Each time the muggers had got him before the cash machines and taken him to them and withdrawn his limit. He wanted me to help him restore his confidence. If I did this then he is highly likely to be mugged again. Look at his actions and behaviours, he is out by himself, intoxicated, at a time and an area where muggers operate. If he was not drunk and near these cash machines, got a taxi or lived in a different part of London then he is not likely to be mugged. No amount of therapy is going to change the world or other people’s actions. Life isn’t fair. I was able to help him deal with the trauma of the incidents and I gave him a number of a local taxi firm. He has not been mugged since. The muggers will have mugged other people, as this is what muggers do. Instead of trying to change the behaviour of others, focus on what you are doing.

Back to the first client. He wants his old life back but he did not want to learn from what had happened. He was fully ready to set the business up again and rely on credit lines, however this is practically impossible to do in the current climate. The fact is that if he sets his business up and heavily relies on uncertain external factors, then the same thing is likely to happen again. It is only when he accepts that what he does also contributes to both the successes and failures he encounters. Begrudgingly he started to understand and is currently in talks with investors as opposed to getting credit. This is a much more stable way of setting up the business.

A few people have emailed me recently complaining that my posts are not about Game. So for those of you out there I am going to take the points from above and put it into a way that you can incorporate into your game and success with women.

I want you all to get the notion of circumstance and logistics. The guys who I know who have slept with the most women have all done it in the same way. By going to house parties! At house parties everyone is a good mood, you have shared rapport (you are all there for the same reason), it is easy to talk to people and there are bedrooms on site. A lot of the time these guys have had zero game, they just happen to be in the right place at the right time. This is exactly the reason why PUA Training has a residential flat in Leister Square, because it is so easy to bounce girls there after a night out.

If your aim is to go out and get laid, then actually have a plan put in place. If you live an hour outside of London and with your parents, then it is going to be bloody difficult. Take a leaf out of Peter Stringfellow’s book, he lives above his own strip club! Does this man deserve to sleep with all the hot women he does based on his looks, personality or game etc. No of course not. But he does anyway because he has designed things that way.

My best advice to you is to think about what your actions are and the logistics of what you are trying to achieve. Don’t try and change other people or the world, instead work with it. If bad things keep happening to you, then is highly likely to be the result of the actions you are doing.

The more time you spend with people, the better socially you become. Spending your free time reading or watching videos about game without action will not help you. Spending time on Facebook is NOT being sociable. The more time you spend with people, especially girls, the better your results will be. The guys who I know who have the best “game” have literally no idea what “game” is. Make a promise to yourself that for every hour of theory, do an hour of practice. Start to design your life and plan logistically how to get the results that you want, then do it. Yes it will hurt, it will also take time and effort. Welcome to the real world.

Learn from your past and plan for the future. Don’t rely on others for your successes in life, only yourself. The best things happen those who are in the right place at the right time, so make sure you are that person. Being at home alone whinging about how bad your life is, is not the best strategy.

Matt Kendall aka Hypnomatt

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