So another budget and it seems Britain is more broken than ever. Although it really depends who you listen to and what your position is. But is the economy, or anything else for that matter, really to blame for your situation?
Blame is the name of the game! As a therapist and change worker, one thing I hear every day is clients blaming everything from family members, other people, the economy and even the position of the planets (crazy but true) for their current situation.
Let me tell you a little secret when it comes to blaming other people and/or circumstances: No one cares! No one cares about your situation or what you think is to blame for your hardship. Not only do people not care, they don’t want to hear about it either.
One of my favourite quotes is “It might not be your fault you got knocked down, but it is your responsibility to get back up”. Every day you make a variety of decisions that either move you forward or keep you stuck. I totally understand the ease and seductive qualities of not changing, after all it is much easier to do that than make changes in your life. You may even read a lot of self help books thinking it will change you. How many self helps have you read now, even worse how many have you started and not even finished?
So why am I banging on about blame and taking responsibility? It is because I have worked with a huge number of clients and genuinely helped them get change in their daily life. I help to facilitate change on a deep level which can have profound effects on your quality of life. I do not offer a magic pill or an instant fix. However I can help to change a lot of painful memories, beliefs and anxiety issues.
I have a unique was of working with clients. The 5 main things are;
1. I work content free
A lot of people want to seek help but are embarrassed about their situation. You may have suffered abuse or done something you are ashamed of. You know that speaking with a therapist is confidential, but still you don’t want to actually tell another human being about your problem. I completely understand, and I do not need to know the actual content of the issue to help you. All I need to know is how you form the memory (for example are they like movies, pictures, body sensations etc). This allows you to fully connect into the issue to make changes, without ever having to talk about what it is. Cool hey.
2. I do not support your problem
I am not here to tell you everything is going to be OK. I am here to help you change, not to validate your excuses. You might be in a terrible situation, I am here to help you change what you are doing to help with that.
3. I do not want to hear how bad your life is, I am simply not interested
Counselling and support has its place, but not in my clinic. I am not here for you to offload your problems onto. I am here to help you change the way you deal with them. In my sessions the first 5 minutes is set aside for you to explain the issue/s, the rest of the time we focus on changing it.
4. I do not help create an outcome
Outcomes and goals are buzzwords in therapy. Trying to create a positive outcome for a problem is easy to sell to someone who is in pain and seeking a solution. By creating an outcome or goal, it focuses you away from what the problem really is. I focus my attention on the problem you are in, and how to get you to change.
5. We do things my way
I am an expert in helping people change. We do things my way, or no way. I have full confidence in my approach and my techniques.
If you are in a position where you are ready to change, then I may just be able to help you improve your quality of life more than could ever imagine. Below is a selection of testimonials from a range of clients including doctors, lawyers, students and even police. I typically see clients for 3 sessions from my clinic on Old Street (and soon Harley Street) and I charge £100 per session. I have limited availability as I am involved with several projects, but I do have some sessions available.
If you are interested, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org You can also listen to hours of interviews with past clients here http://www.youtube.com/user/RWHmattkendall
Of course you can always continue to blame others for your situation or better still ask the universe or use positive thinking!
Feedback from clients
25 man suffering from social anxiety around friends and family
I found Matt randomly through a google search for hypnotherapy on social anxiety and was amazed at his website. With Matt’s straight up approach to the condition and how to deal with it in a more structured way made my recovery a lot quicker and faster than I could imagine.
I can now face people and events with ease and not have to worry about how I look or am coming across or if they notice any of my odd symptoms etc. EMDR (one of the techniques Matt uses) is a great tool and has helped me move on and tackle my problems not only more effectively but much quicker than other therapies out there (and I’ve had a few believe me).
If you have an emotional issue and want to change your life for the better, go and see Matt and see what he can do for you!
Solicitor suffering from work stress
I suppose you do have a little fear before the session, just as it’s a new experience, but from chatting things through with Matt he clearly explained all the processes before they happened – just what I needed to gain a little understanding and to be able to discuss my issues.
I had been suffering from a lot of stress at work which had made me irritable at home and with my family. I started to become over emotional about small problems in which I would over react.
After the session I felt extremely relaxed, walking tall and seemingly with all tension out of my body – I like the idea of being able to re-empty the ‘stress pot’ on demand! Since the sessions I have been able to address my problems much more logically and put things into perspective.
Company managing director suffering from work related stress and compulsive eating
I needed to write to sincerely thank you for introducing me to Hypnotherapy, I arrived to you in a state of the “unknown” and the “unsure”. I knew I needed some form of help and was totally open to anything, and quite by chance found your advert. I felt anxious, totally stressed out, wanting to hide away from the world, eat my way to comfort through food and chocolate. Something I rarely eat, but some how over the past 12 months it has become a major part of my eating life style. My weight was gaining and the lack of will power, drive and focus, lead me to do no exercise and being unable to grasp a routine through constant travelling, I saw no end to my down ward slide. I felt totally at a lose with myself, irrational, out of control and as a company founder and Managing Director the need for me to be in control, focus and a leader are essential and my present state affects many lives and lively hoods.
From the start of our meeting where you explained that my state was nothing unique, I found that I did trust, but more so believe you. Your explanations, reasoning, thoughts, behind this and your personal aura was so profoundly comforting. I came with no assumptions and I can honestly say that you changed my whole outlook, state of mind and inner feeling of despair. This first session brought me from a pit of darkness, to a beaming smile and I held an incredible feeling within me, a feeling that I could take control and do what was required without feeling uncontrollable stressed. The treatment/experience left me feeling incredible rested, at peace, happy, calm but most of all me, something that I had not felt for months and even today as I write my sincere letter of thanks the feeling is still there – as well as a smile. I know a have more work to do myself, but with your guidance and support I feel 75% there.
With sincere thanks
R. Chapman, Cheshire
29 housewife suffering with panic attacks
I have prepared the following testimonial, I hope it’s OK.
As a newcomer to hynotherapy I really did not know what to expect from my first session. I had been having an extremely difficult time and had tried many things to feel better but really needed a final push. One session with Matt has had a dramatic impact. I feel much more confident and my friends have commented on the positive change. Matt makes you feel extremely relaxed and secure and the fact that he involves you and communicates so well builds trust. I would definitely recommend hypnotherapy with Matt to anyone.
Thanks again Matt, I may already have a client for you.
Imogen, Primrose Hill
Professional writer suffering from family related stress issues
I approached my first hypnotherapy session with what I’m sure must be a common mixture of emotions – excitement, because I hoped I was on the verge of a breakthrough in dealing with a difficult issue in my life, and no small measure of anxiety too. My greatest worry was that I would not be able to let go enough to achieve the mental state needed to make the treatment work.
My first impression of Matt was that he really believes in what he does and in the power of hynotherapy to bring positive change to people’s lives. He approaches the subject very much from a scientific perspective, working with known facts about how the brain and human emotions work. I felt reassured by his confidence and it motivated me to play my part in the process, because successful hypnotherapy is not, as I previously believed, something done to you, but a joint effort. Matt encouraged me to talk a lot about myself and what I wanted to achieve from the treatment. This wasn’t always easy, so it is a testimony to his ability to put clients at ease that I was able to be completely open with him and not ‘edit’ my story in any way. I had the sense that he was there to help, not judge me, and that he would not be uncomfortable with anything I wanted to raise.
I think this was critical to the success of the treatment, as it gave Matt a real insight into the underlying issues, not just the symptoms I reported. The actual process of being hypnotised led on from the discussion in a very natural way and I found it surprisingly easy to achieve a deep level of relaxation whilst retaining an element of control and the ability to communicate with Matt. Clinical hypnotherapy bears no resemblance to any of the popular stereotypes about hypnosis and is a safe and powerful way to take control of your mind and the way you see things. I have no hesitation in recommending Matt to anyone looking to make important changes in their life.
Kate Smith, Muswell Hill, London
Solicitor suffering from anxiety due to past issues
“The hypnosis itself was a very relaxing experience, and I was left with a slight tingling sensation in my hands and feet, but it was actually quite pleasant. It was like having a night of really refreshing sleep, and when I woke up, there were no unpleasant after effects, no worries about what had just happened.
We worked primarily on removing a few mental blockages which I had, which were preventing me from living a happy and fulfilled life. In the space of just one session, I noticed a difference between how I was before and how I was afterwards. I felt relaxed, calm, and content.
There is a significant difference in the way I engage with the world around me now. I am no longer as quiet and withdrawn, and instead I can just go out and be myself, without feeling anxious, or worrying about how other people see me.
At all times Matt was a calming influence, he talked me through what we would be doing, he helped to identify some of my biggest issues, and how we would overcome them. At no time did I feel out of control, or that I would be made to do something I was uncomfortable with.
God job Matt!”
Steven, Highgate London
I had just a couple of sessions with Matt last year, and they have really made a difference in my attitude to social situations and relating to women. I had a couple of unpleasant experiences in my teens, to do with pubs and strange women, and let’s not even talk about drunken women! I hadn’t really realised how much that affected me, just told myself that I was just an introverted guy, and there were other places I could meet women.
Anyway, I was a little sceptical about hypnosis but Matt calmly and professionally explained it all, so I gave it a go and now, though I’m aware of those memories, they are foggy and have no emotional impact. That has allowed me to be comfortable in pubs and clubs and socialize with women in a way that I couldn’t have done a couple of years ago. It’s great, now I have lots of positive experiences and emotions to remember! Thanks Matt
I came to see Matt initially having come out of a difficult relationship and suffering from a general lack of confidence. As a newcomer to hypnotherapy, I was quite apprehensive as I didn’t know what to expect. After the first session all the anxiety and tension had drained from my body and I felt incredible!
With each subsequent session I really started to think with greater clarity and focus. Matt clearly explained everything at the beginning of each session and was always very welcoming and professional. He has completely charged my idea of what hypnotherapy is and what it can do to revolutionise people’s live.
“Matt is friendly and relaxed, and I felt that he was able to coax out my inner game issues even though they were not obvious to me. The hypnotherapy process was most enjoyable and fun, and the benefits to my game were apparent immediately.”
Hope this is cool. See you soon.
Mr S, London
Matt worked with me last year for my social anxiety and approaching girls. I was extremely anxious, I can’t emphasize this enough. I was so scared it was hard to sleep for a few days. I looked and felt like hell. The thought of going out on the streets to try to pick up girls had me scared to death.
Matt worked with me and hypnotized me. It was different that I thought it would be. What I remember the most was feeling peaceful and my fears starting to wash away. It was pleasant. I had never been hypnotized before, so this was a first for me. I used to have a lot of fear over simply walking up to a girl in a noisy night club and getting my voice tangled. I had this fear that my voice would freeze up, because it often did and I hardly ever talked to women in these situations.
After working with Matt this is no longer an issue for me. I’m better off now than before I met Matt. If I look back on the training that I did, which was a week long, I would say that things got a lot easier for me AFTER working with Matt.
If you have never been hypnotized I recommend it. It leaves you feeling a lot better. I would work with Matt again too. He’s also a very cool dude. Check him out, you won’t be sorry!
I can’t remember exactly how I first heard of Matt but it was somewhere on the Internet. It may well have been a youtube testimonial.
At the time I was in a bad way due to some experiences I had had whilst living in South Korea. I don’t want to delve into these, in fact myself and Matt never discussed what happened in any depth, but it was fair to say them stemmed from things that had happened long before I had gone to Korea.
When I was younger I had suffered with depression (16-24ish) off and on. Despite making a lot of progress with it setbacks and knocks would cause me to become very negative very quickly which would then spiral downwards. In Korea a lot of this resurfaced.
I had some experience of both hypnosis and NLP. Obviously neither had completely worked. Matt’s approach was different; he used a technique called EMDR to help me re-process the memories and experiences that were causing me problems.
What that looked like was.., well it looked like someone waving a pen in front of my face. Whilst this happened Matt would ask me to follow it with my eyes whilst thinking of the memories strongly. This probably sounds bizarre but the effect has been amazing. The strength of the emotional sensation associated with memory is lessened. This causes the memory to resonate with you less; some almost feel as if they shift in your mind or fade.
This occurred for two sessions; in the second I’d brought with me a list of memories I wanted him to work on. Again, it sounds like a strange process but actually the change in me is profound.
I can safely say that the memories and things that used to bother me don’t any more, I can see the same images and hear the same things but without being affected by them.
Something that was clearly joined with the other issues was a lack of direction in my life. This was causing me to be unsure what to do next and to be honest I’d been in this limbo for some time. I’d never really had any great idea about what career I’d wanted to do which had meant I’d dip my toe into something then jump straight back out then usually end up living at home again. This was a disheartening process, always moving back to square one.
In our final session Matt guided me through a ‘thought experiment’ that helped me to discover what I actually wanted to do with my future. I won’t fill in all the details but I was surprised with the outcome. The more I have considered it since the more it seems to fit with the lifestyle I want to have and I’ve been making steps to get myself moving in that direction.
Since the final session things have continued to improve. Having a proper direction to move in gives everything, including the work I am doing at the moment, more purpose than I might have attributed to it before. I have worked in office jobs before and usually find them dull. This used to get to me, causing me to be miserable, negative or irritable. Now though I am much more positive towards everything. I grin all the time at work too and seem to be the most relaxed person in the department.
Recently I have been planning courses to take and strategies to use when embarking on my new career. Obviously it’s not something I can just walk into but I feel confident that with the right amount of time and effort that I can be successful in it. This positive attitude towards it is a massive change from how I would have viewed something like this previously. I am realistic about it, however I would have focused on all the reasons not to do it rather than the reasons to do it.
I guess if you’re reading this then chances are you are considering session with Matt. Obviously I don’t know what you issues are. What I would say though is if you feel you are unable to find the right path or struggling on the right one because of things that happened in the past then ask yourself whether the unnecessary struggle is worth it.
Since the sessions I’ve noticed a huge change in my outlook and this has flowed into everything I’ve done. I’ve been happier, more relaxed and more confident about the future, which in turn makes me a more fun person to be around because I’m simply happier being me.
I first went to see Matt because I had problems with PM (premature ejaculation), ED (erectile dysfunction) and overall low and depressed feelings. Not knowing what to expect or if he could even help me at all I booked a session after first speaking with him by email and on the phone.
I liked what he had written on forums and his website about different topics and what he was able to do but was still sceptical as I’d tried every technique I’d read about to help myself and seen a sex specialist who although was very good and knowledgeable was unable to help me. After only a few minutes on the phone I became extremely confident Matt understood the issue well and I booked a session.
I don’t know how the therapy works but it did. I left the first session feeling a lot calmer and happier but was still having sex problems. However I didn’t care at all, I felt better each day about things. Less helpless and stressed. Unfortunately a few more stressful events happened in my life afterwards which got me down before the second session. But I coped well I think because of Matt.
After our second hour together I felt better again. Calm and relaxed and very motivated. I handled everything life had to throw at me during that period. And not straight away but over the next few months my sex problems evaporated. I don’t get down anymore, I don’t have ED or PE anymore.
I know this type of therapy is something I can and will always revert to if l’m ever in trouble again. I’m thankful to Matt and his dedication to his work. He was confident, reassuring and very impressive with what he did and I really believe in the type of therapy we tried and that it can work for anything. For me it extended way beyond what I went there for help with and I’m happier, healthier and more confident than I’ve ever been following our time together.
I have struggled with Anxiety and Depression for most of my life. I have seen many specialists to do with mental health, and seeked advice from dozens of people.
I am finally getting to a stage where I would I have almost overcome these problems.
I am extremely happy to highly recommend Matt Kendall for his services to do with hypnosis, dating advice and career/business advice. I want to stress that he will not give you the magic solution to all your problems, because this does not exist, in a long term sense at least. What Matt does is give you very personnel, detailed and practical advice, which can take or leave. He is very good at giving efficient solutions to problems that people may come across in their lives, and he has a great ability to explain what may work and why, which should never be underestimated.
For what seemed like a long time, I’d been experiencing an certain empty, dissatisfied feeling in my life. It was always there, sometimes a subdued feeling, sometimes fairly intense. I guess there were many different ways in which it affected my life, some of which I’d not even really thought about. Most apparently though, or at least most frustratingly in my relationships with women. Although I’d dated girls I’d never been in a proper relationship. I felt I didn’t really know how to assert myself sexually with women. This feeling seemed to amplify as time passed me by, and I saw others around me getting into relationships, married etc.
I had originally met Matt through a PUA training bootcamp where he gave a seminar on inner-game issues and general dating tips. I didn’t know much about how ‘pick-up’ worked, but I attended the bootcamp in the hope that I’d be able to sort out my problem. I enjoyed the weekend a lot but felt I wasn’t really addressing my issues so much as pretending to be a person who didn’t have those issues, using learned techniques. Matt’s seminar however, touched on a few things that I thought might actually be able to help for real. Or at least, help me fix those underlying issues first in order for the other things I learned at the bootcamp to not feel in-congruent with who I am as a person. So I booked a one-on-one session with Matt, hoping to understand more about myself, how I got into the situation I found myself in, and how to get out.
I’d never been hypnotized before and I wasn’t sure what to expect. I’d describe the sensation as a deeply relaxed state, where my thoughts and memories appeared much more clearly and vividly than usual. Matt asked me to describe my issues and feelings visually, and asked me questions throughout to help me clarify and pinpoint the problems more specifically, as well as how they were affecting me. Matt explained to me and reiterated throughout the session that he couldn’t, or wouldn’t ‘solve’ my problems but would help me outline a plan of actions to take which would help me move in the right direction and over time eliminate the issues I was facing. The first lesson was like taking a jigsaw-puzzle box and emptying the contents all over the table. My mind felt scrambled and a little overwhelmed but now at least I had accounted for everything that was there. I knew what I was looking at. By the end of the second (and final) session I was starting to put those pieces of the puzzle together again in their correct places, having decided with Matt a list of specific actions I was going to take in my life in order to achieve the things I wanted to achieve.
In the following months I started to see the results of my actions. Some of the things I’d discussed with Matt and decided up on exploring further helped a lot, and honestly, some turned out to be dead-ends. But even so, through taking action I was slowly learning what was important to me solving my problems, and what wasn’t necessary. I was starting to re-align my priorities in life, the people most important to me and also the expectations placed on me by myself and others.
One of the simplest exercises Matt gave me was to create things in my life to look forward to, and work towards – events, holidays, career plans, anything. That in itself helped me regain a certain focus in my life that I felt I’d lost somewhere along the way. I feel a lot happier in myself these days, a lot more excited and optimistic for the future.
Just wanted to say a huge thank you for all the work you have done. I feel like I’m truly making the most of everyday situations and find myself happier than I can remember being in a long time. I must admit, perhaps due to the nature of my job (I work as a doctor) I approached our session with a little (unhealthy) skepticism towards your approaches on behavioural change. Simply put; I couldn’t have been more wrong. There’s a wonderful combination of methods I don’t understand, and advise so straightforward I think it often gets overlooked; If you don’t like where you live, move!
Our sessions and subsequent correspondence have been a catalyst to me trying new things, increasing my productivity and most importantly having more fun.
Best thing is….it snowballs :-)
I would recommend your work to anyone seeking to improve their lifestyle.
Hope to catch up soon.
Every best wish
Before you read this article I want to point out that I am not a professional writer. This is likely to be filled with grammatical errors and very non-linear. I write what comes out without any planning or structure. If you want to read beautifully written articles, then this isn’t for you.
It has been a long time since I have written a blog post. During my absence I have been working with a huge amount of people and exploring a lot of new exciting change work techniques that deliver incredibly power results. The information I want to share with you I find both exciting and also it is a massive leap forward for me as a therapist.
When I first got into hypnotherapy I used a fairly standard set of tools and techniques. I was a massive believer in the conscious/subconscious mind theory and the power of hypnosis and NLP. Although I do believe hypnosis to be useful, I found a lot of hypnotherapy to be very “fluffy”. When I say “fluffy”, I mean “bullshit”.
I have been a practicing hypnotherapist for many years and I have had the good fortune to study under some great therapists and change workers so see how they get results. I also have friends who are doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, mental health practitioners and a range of other therapists and I spend a massive amount of time speaking with all of them about self esteem, confidence and emotional issues. What I have learned witnessed and practiced over the last year or so has revolutionised the way I do therapy. I am now able to get results far beyond the limitations of pure Clinical Hypnotherapy but putting into practice these new ways of working.
When I first started becoming a therapist I used to get very involved with the client’s issues. I used to have them explain to me at length what the problem/s were and how they affected by it. I found that a lot of people simply wanted to talk about their problems, yet not really do anything about them. I would sit there patiently listening to clients as they told me their tales of woe and why their life was so bad. To be honest I found work rather depressing at times and some of the things I had to listen to were quite frankly horrifying. It really put my own personal problems into perspective after listening to what some people have to endure on a daily basis.
So what changed? I discovered that I am much more effective therapist by not getting involved with people’s stories. I found a new way of working called “content free”. This literally means that now as a therapist I don’t actually talk to the client about the details of the problem, which allows me to stay disconnected whist allowing the client to be much more involved in the change work process. A lot of people have problems but are embarrassed to talk about them. By not having to talk about the content, only the structure, it really does allow the client to fully engage knowing they will never have to actually talk about the negative experiences.
The main tools I now use are physical metaphor language patterns, IEMT, referring to a training network and common sense. I am going to write a lot of articles in the near future about IEMT and EMDR, these are eye movement therapies that are simply amazing. The changes you can achieve with clients in a very short space of time are literally ground breaking.
One huge thing I have introduced over the past year or so is referring people to other people for training. I have fully realised that in a lot of cases, therapy is not enough! Often people have to learn skill sets in order to get the changes they want. A good example is a guy who had stage fright and had to make regular presentations at work. He would fear giving these presentations to his boss and directors and would not sleep for days before hand. I am able to help with the emotional issues with this problem, however I am not able to teach him how to give good presentation. I sent him on a 1 day presenting course as part of our treatment plan. By combining the emotional and anxiety issues with me and learning how to present with specific company, he has achieved incredible results.
I am here to help people with emotional issues. We live our lives now, because what we have experienced in the past. I can not tell you the amount you are able to change, if you are just able to disconnect from the past and put it in its place. Instead of overpowering negative emotions and building up false confidence, the best way (I have found) to get long lasting results is to neutralise the negative memories that are causing the problems now.
This is why I HATE a lot of self help bullshit. If you need to pump yourself up and motivate yourself all the time, then there is something wrong on a deep level. I am not in the business of making you feel good for no reason. In fact coming to see me might make you feel horrible. I will make you face things you have been avoiding for years, either consciously or subconsciously. However by address the causes of your issues, the routes of the problem, you get long lasting and natural results. By getting your brain to process the memories instead of trying to overpower things, you can genuinely achieve big changes in your life.
Let me give you a metaphor for what I mean about negative memories and how we deal with them and how they affect our lives. Image you get a splinter (a negative memory) in your foot. You have several ways of dealing with it. You can either learn to deal with the pain, you can overpower the pain or you can remove the splinter and let it heal naturally.
By adapting your walking style to accommodate the pain is what most people do with negative memories. They accept they “this is who they are” and avoid walking on the painful part. This is a coping mechanism that allows you to keep moving but is of course very restrictive.
By powering through the pain, I like to call this the bullshit self help and motivational way of dealing with an issue. Feel the fear and do it anyway, firewalks, affirmations and other crazy motivational and empowering bollocks. The thing is, this hurts. You are forcing yourself into pain. You need to constantly fire yourself up, if you are constantly going to be putting yourself into painful situations.
The last option is to remove the splinter and let it heal naturally. Now this does hurt, but only for a short time. When you see the splinter you realise just how small it is, but how much of a problem it caused.
What I do with clients is find these painful splinters (memories), and remove them. I do not get you to feel all super powerful and confident. You will find that if you actually deal with and remove the causes of issues, you probably no longer have that desire and need to feel powerful. It is much more relaxing. Instead of fighting the issue, neutralise it.
When we have a problem in the present, say social anxiety, it is likely to have multiple sources. These sources are memories from your childhood (or at least long ago) that have combined together to form this issue. Think of a current day problem you have as like a river basin. It has multiple sources, they may all be small and insignificant, however why they combine they create a large and powerful force.
I have found that if you try to work on yourself there are two main problems you will encounter. The first problem is that you are unlikely to correctly identify the sources. Sometimes these sources are often repressed memories (unavailable to normal working memory) or they are deemed as insignificant because it was such a small thing a long time ago. It makes no logical sense to be affected by a little issue that happened to you many years ago. True, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t something that needs to be worked on. The second issue is that if you accurately locate the problematic memories, what do you actually do with them? Just by locating the sources of a problem does not mean you have the tools or knowledge to actually work on them to creative a positive change.
My way of working with clients is very simple. I find out what the problem/s they are experiencing in the present are. I accurately locate the memories that are causing the issue/s. I use content free methods to properly address and neutralise the memories. The client brain is able to recycle the memory and take from it what it needs, and basically disregards the rest. I do all of this without ever discussing what actually happened in the memories, simply just need a label. For example say that you were bullied at school and something particularly nasty happened in the playground. All I need to know is how you access the memory, i.e. is it a picture or a movie, are you associated or can you see yourself. I don’t need to know what happened, what you did, what happened to you or any other information.
If you are interested in exploring this type of therapy then please get in contact with me. I have many many testimonials and case studies that I can send you. I typically see clients for 3 sessions over a period of about a month. The changes you can get are literally life changing.
I am only able to see a limited amount of clients per week due to other work commitments. I will also only take you on as a client if I believe that I am able to help you. You also have to accept that you need to go and make changes in your life and seeking therapy is not enough to creating lasting results.
What I can offer is a free 30 minute skype/phone consultation. I typically work with men only, but I do also work with women. If you are interested in finding out just how much you can change, then please email me at email@example.com. Please put in the subject bar “phone consultation” and remember to include your phone number/skype name and days and times yu are available to speak.
Thank you so much for reading this article and I hope you have gained some value from it.
Have you ever wondered why it is that as soon as we have some duty or assignment delegated to us, we often suddenly feel compelled to find another, (usually more pleasurable), activity to complete in its stead? Even a person with a psychology degree, who understands the physiological and psychological reasons that procrastination occurs, can still put off their most pressing work.
Procrastination seems to be like a sly, malevolent little demon perched on our shoulder, whispering in our ear, “Oh, go ahead and have fun. Work? Shmirk! After all, you just have all the time in the world to get it done! Right?” Wrong. Whether it be in the realm of school, work, or just life in general, many a chronic procrastinator can vouch for the fact that this nasty little habit can lead to some very unfavorable circumstances otherwise easily averted. Now, with that said, can this vicious cycle of putting off your work be broken once and for all?—and if so, how? Let’s find out.
Why do we get distracted?
Well, before we move on to the strategies of managing and possibly even curing procrastination for good, give yourself a break. The good news (or bad, depending on how you look at it) is that if you’re human (and I assume that you are), then like it or not, you may actually not only be predisposed to procrastination– you’re programmed for it. Yes, that means you can stop blaming genetics, your parents, your friends, astrology, or what have you. Blame the limbic system.
Procrastination is the result of a perpetual battle between the limbic system, the pleasure center of the brain, and the prefrontal cortex, the decision-making, organizing, and critical thinking sector of the brain. The problem arises because our limbic system is constantly being stimulated by external distractions (sort of like on auto-pilot), and the poor prefrontal cortex, being weaker, doesn’t really get a lot of say in many matters. Consequently, in the raging battle between these two neuro-rivals, the limbic system often emerges the victor.
If a particular activity or responsibility seems rather daunting or unappealing, our “pleasure center” automatically seeks a more enjoyable diversion– hence the lounging atop the sofa, seemingly hypnotized by the television, instead of studying or cleaning. However, while we’ve successfully established that procrastination is not all your fault, that doesn’t change the fact that it can have a damaging effect on your life.
The Psychological Process
Now let’s take a look at the psychological processes potentially behind this mental dysfunction. Procrastination is an “umbrella concept,” with no single immediate cause. Some have theorized that the urge to procrastinate is a consequence of a person’s desire to prioritize their immediate needs over their future needs.
Also, it’s often just a matter of fear. Hara Estroff Marano of Psychology Today says, “Procrastinators sabotage themselves. They put obstacles in their own path. They actually choose paths that hurt their performance.” Marano’s recent research findings demonstrated that chronic procrastinators not only fear failure, explaining the delay in productivity– many fear success just as much. They associate success with added pressure, and thus to avoid the extra burden, choose to do worse.
Getting Over It
So now that we understand the possible causes of this malignant psychological pseudo-virus, the question still stands, how do we get rid of it? Can we get rid of it? Luckily, there is hope. By refusing to allow the task at hand to feel abstract, and instead substantiating it so that it stands up as something that needs to be completed, we are more likely to complete our goals.
Another trick is to be honest with yourself, and to say that you “have to” do it, which will wake up your prefrontal cortex in the perception of obligation. Set realistic goals, and break up your tasks to make them more manageable.
Whatever the chosen strategy, however, no one is beyond help. We can learn to curb our procrastination, provided we’re willing to exercise a little bit of will power. As they say, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.” The mind is a pretty powerful thing.
Article written by Allison Gamble
I have recently joined up with Amazon to become one of their associates. What this means is that if you click a link through to Amazon from my sites, then I make a very small percentage of the sale. At the moment all my blog posts and content are advert free but I do need to start to produce an income if I am to continue to invest so much time into them. All the products I review are books that I have read or things that I personally recommend.
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert Cialdini
This has to be one of my all time favourite books when it comes to psychology. As a professional therapist, it is my job to influence my clients into different ways of thinking. I have to understand why the client has a belief, and then use tools and techniques to alter this world view.
Influence by Robert Cialdini is a must have for all therapists and those who are interested in how the mind works. When people talk about influence and persuasion, they often think of con men or unethical methods. This is why I love this book so much as it is not about tricking people at all. It is based on the 6 ethical principles on influence and why people make decisions.
The 6 principals for influence are;
Commitment and consistency
Reciprocity is when you first give to someone, they are then compelled to give back. This is used every day by businesses and those who want to get a favour out of you. Just think, if someone does you a favour, don’t you feel like you owe them? This is also described as “you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours”. By working together you get more done, but for this to work someone has to owe you a favour. Guys try to use the rule of reciprocity with girls all the time, for example when they buy them a drink or dinner. They want the girl’s attention, and usually more, so by spending some money on them the girl will feel indebted to repay that somehow.
Commitment and consistency is when someone commits to something, even by a small amount, they are much more likely to go ahead with it. An example is that I used to promote live music nights and through trial and error I found the most successful way to ensure people turned up was to charge them for their tickets in advance. By paying just a few pounds they have committed to the event and are much more likely to attend than those people who are undecided. By getting someone to agree to something and putting down some sort of deposit, they are much more likely to complete the whole transaction.
Social proof is another way of saying that something is popular or favourite. When other people are already doing something, it makes other people want to do it too. Again from my club promoting days this is something that we used to do. Outside the club we would make people stand in line where other people passing, who were undecided on where to go that night, could clearly see. When people had a choice of venues to choose from, the one with the line outside looks more interesting. By having people already queuing up it created more attention and increased their chances of joining the queue themselves. When people are undecided, they want to go with what other people are already doing.
Authority is key when it comes to persuasion and influence. People like to be told what to do by people in authority. When someone is in charge, it allows us to relax knowing things are being taken care of. Look at how products are marketed, especially in the health and beauty sector. Skin cream adverts often have “scientists” in their labs wearing white coats to tell you about their amazing breakthroughs. Health foods are often endorsed by doctors, so too is tooth paste. When we don’t know about something, we listen to those in the know for guidance.
Liking someone or something makes you much more likely to do things for them. By liking someone, they have more influence over you than someone who you dislike. If you watch programs like X Factor, Pop Idol or Britain’s Got Talent, then you will recognise this tactic in use. These programs show videos of the contestants struggle and sob story to get you to like them, and therefore vote for them. These competitions are rarely judged on talent alone, more just about how much you like them.
Scarcity drives up the price and desire to own something. This comes from supply and demand, the more there is of something, the easier it is to obtain and the cheaper it is. The rarer the item, the harder it is to obtain and the more expensive it will be. Although the item that is scarcer may be more expensive, that does not actually mean the quality of the product is higher. However the more scarce the item is, the higher the perceived value. Businesses use this technique all the time, when selling “limited edition” type products, “Hurry, only 5 places left” and other advertising that suggests that whatever they have to offer is in limited supply.
In this book, Robert Cialdini goes through each of the above 6 principals in great detail using antidotes and examples. It is a fascinating read and it will make you view the world through a difference lens. It has certainly helped me see through a lot of advertising, while also making my own advertising and communication with other more effective.
This book is a must buy. Buy it, read it and then read it again! Please click the below link to order from amazon.
I promise that this post will be shorter than the last one. I think I got RSI from writing the last post.
What I want to talk about today is the topic of wasting time and effort on girls and how you can turn that arround. When you waste time and effort, not only can you never make that time up again, but it also makes you feel crap, lowers your self esteem and makes you less likely to go after the girls who will actually be responsive to you.
Before I learnt about game, I was very much into marketing. I used to be a club and band promoter, this taught me how to make money and focus my efforts on the right people. I believe that a massive part of self esteem comes through getting results. If this is the case shouldn’t we be focused on going for the right types of people which will generate the best results, rather than just hoping for the best?
When I got into promoting bands in Manchester I learnt very quickly that the general population had absolutely no interest in going to see unsigned bands in a pub function room on a Wednesday night. I could have spent a lot of money advertising the gigs on the front of the local papers, but this would have had barely any impact at all. The only people who are interested in seeing unsigned bands (when they are starting out at least) and friends and family of the band members and a few music enthusiasts. I had a system where the bands had to purchase a certain amount of tickets in advance in order to play a gig. This method is also known as “pay to play”. It is hated by musicians as they have to now put in the effort of getting people there as they have a financial investment. However this also meant that every gig I did made money, plus there was always a decent crowd for the bands to play to. I promoted over 100 music events in Manchester and gained a good reputation. Although I used a system that bands didn’t initially like, I still had about a ratio of 3 bands per 1 slot available.
While I was a band promoter I got to meet a lot of interesting characters. One night I was out with a lead singer of a band, who lets say was “unconventional” looking. He was ugly. However he was amazingly successful with girls. He was a very charismatic singer and went to a lot of after parties, a simple yet effective system. One night I was out with him and I spotted a group of 4 girls. I dared him to go over and speak to them. He looked at me totally confused as to why he would do that. He explained that they have no idea who he is and therefore will not be successful. This is when I really started to understand about targeted marketing and going after low hanging fruit. You can take someone who is amazingly successful, but if he is approaching the wrong sort of people then even he will get poor results.
When I first became a hypnotherapist, like most others I decided to cover every single issue under the sun. I used to do everything from weight loss, to stop smoking, to fears and phobias and even such crap as past life regression. I was competing in a cut throat industry and spreading myself far too thinly. I was literally begging people to come and so sessions with me and I used to undercut my competitors on price. I used to work all hours of the day and night and do as the client requested rather than doing the sessions how I wanted to. Then one day I was speaking to a marketing expert, who just did stop smoking sessions. He told me that I had to specialise or I would always find making a living as a therapist hard and I was likely to go out of business. This really resonated with me and I decided to get into what I knew best, social anxiety and self esteem issues.
Once I knew my direction, it allowed me to focus my efforts. I went on every course I could, I read every book on the subject and I shadowed every therapist that would let me. I researched, tried and tested every technique related to anxiety. This is something that I continue to this day and always will. Once I got really good at this type of work I was then able to advertise my services to those people who were actually looking. When you focus your efforts and work with the right people, your results grow exponentially.
So how does this relate to game? Well I see game like marketing and once you break it down and analyse it you can start to improve each part to maximise the results. The product or service that you offer is yourself, the market is the girls you want to be with and then you use game techniques (opening, closing, escalation etc) as the selling process. Once you know your market and how to present yourself best, then your results will drastically improve. Most people have no idea what they are trying to achieve, who they are trying to attract or how to analyse their results. No wonder people feel lost and like giving up.
Ok let me give you an example of what I am talking about. Recently I was working with a client who was Muslim, based in London and was looking to find a girl who he could settle down with and start a family. The girl also had to be Muslim who also had similar life goals. He liked the homely and caring types who didn’t drink and were career focused. He liked girls who were classy, well educated and enjoyed talking about philosophy and religion. He himself was a successful businessman with great prospects. He was a very good catch for someone who wanted to settle down and start a family. He was currently getting really poor results from game, to the extent that he his family were on the brink of arranging a marriage for him.
So where was this guy going to meet his future wife? He currently spent his time going to student nights at crap hole nightclubs in the West End of London. One particular night he went to every week was famous for selling all drinks for £1. See this is where I have to sit back and see if the penny drops, in this case it didn’t so I had to spell it out for him.
I said to him, “So let me make sure I understand. You are looking to meet a Muslim girl who you can settle down with. You don’t like girls who drink, you like the homely type who are well educated and career focused. You also want them to be a good conversationalist who likes to talk about religion and philosophy. Let me ask you, how many of these girls do you think go to a £1 a drink night at a crap hole club during the week?”. He looked rather puzzled and after a few moment he said “probably not that many, but there are lots of girls there”.
Let’s look at this in detail. Say there are 1000 girls in the club, how many are first of all likely to be Muslim? Let’s say 15% (I am just using made up numbers for example’s sake). Out of that 150 how many are likely to be living in London and not a tourist, who don’t drink and are career focused and looking to start a family within the next couple of years. We are probably down to single figures by now. Not only does he have to go and find these girls but he is also facing such issues as loud music, her friends and lots and lots of other guys. No wonder he is getting poor results. As I explained all this to him, he started to understand what I was on about but then looked disheartened. “So you are saying it is a lost cause and I should just give up?” At the moment he was going out 2-3 times a week and opening approximately 15 girls per night. So he was efficient in his approach, however he was not being effective. “No my friend, I suggest you change what you are doing to get better results” was my answer.
We first of all gather some information about the girls he was attracted to and built a bit of a profile about them. We then consulted my best friend in the world, Google. Within minutes we had found a Muslim only dating site, and a Muslim philosophy discussion group that was held in his local area. Within a month of going to these focused events he got into a steady relationship with a great girl. They are still together 6 months later and look set for a great future together. He has not been to a £1 a drink night since and his self esteem is at an all time high.
When you don’t approach game with an analytical attitude then you end up just going out for the sake of it. Without a plan you will of course feel lost and have no idea where you are going wrong or right. Getting numbers will be something of chance and then converting those numbers to dates will be a difficult process. All this leads to wasted effort, poor results which of course turns into low self esteem and lack of motivation.
While in Manchester I became very friendly with a guy who ran a speed dating company. When I asked him why he started to do this, he said it was simple. He was single and he wanted to meet a lot of single girls who were looking to meet guys. He didn’t want to go to the events himself as this would put on the same level as the guys who attended. By organising the events, he not only had all the girls details and could speak to them about dating, but he was also of higher value at the events. To me this is a work of genius.
One common problem I see with guys is the whole “oneitus” AKA unrequited love. Basically when you really like a girl but it has not gone anywhere and is not very likely to happen anyway. People spend so much of their time investing into this one person, that they are now in what I like to call an investment trap. By giving up on this person and going after new people, they feel like all the time leading up to this has been a waste of time and therefore they have to continue. This makes no sense at all and just leads to investing more and more time and therefore strengthening the problem. A good pick up artist knows two things, what kind of girls to go for and when to call it quits.
If you are in an investment trap with a girl, you have to ask yourself “what I am doing, how is it working out so far?”. By continuing to the same things you are likely to get the same results. I advise to change your methods by going out and meeting different people. The one girl who you have invested so much in is actually more likely to be attracted to you if you are not chasing her, but instead dating other girls. You are also likely to meet girls who are even more suited to you once you change your focus.
Ok that is it for today. Think about how you are spending your time and how efficient and effective it is. Time is the one thing you can never get back, and if you are investing too much into one girl, go out and meet more people!
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Matt Kendall (Hypnomatt)
Just a real quick blog today about how to live a passionate life. I run an event in London called “interesting Talks” www.interestingtalks.co.uk and every month we have an event with invited speakers.
On June 16th 2011, the event is called “How to live a passionate life” and the guest speakers are Marcus Oakey and John Morgan. This is going to be an amazing event, over 60 seats have now been reserved.
For more information, please visit www.interestingtalks.co.uk
Matt Kendall (hypnomatt)
I found Matt randomly through a google search for hypnotherapy on social anxiety and was amazed at his website. With Matt’s straight up approach to the condition and how to deal with it in a more structured way made my recovery a lot quicker and faster than I could imagine.
I can now face people and events with ease and not have to worry about how I look or am coming across or if they notice any of my odd symptoms etc. EMDR (one of the techniques Matt uses) is a great tool and has helped me move on and tackle my problems not only more effectively but much quicker than other therapies out there (and I’ve had a few believe me).
If you have an emotional issue and want to change your life for the better, go and see Matt and see what he can do for you!
Deep emailed me the above testimonial on Sunday 22nd May 2011. We had done 3 sessions together over a period of 4 weeks. Deep was suffering from social anxiety with friends and family members. He had been to see other therapists and also tried lots of self help techniques, all with limited success.
If you want to make real progress with your emotional issues, get in contact firstname.lastname@example.org
My aim is to write a short blog post today. Let’s see how that turns out.
Today it is Sunday 22nd May 2011 and I am glad to say that the world has not ended, yay! I am really glad because I have just bought some gig tickets for next week. Yet another doomsday prediction failed to come true, to be fair it only needs to happen the once though. I have just been reading some of the news reports about the Rapture and those who are explaining why the world didn’t end. The put it down to miscalculations, misinterpretation, yet no they have not seemed to have classed it as scare mongering bollocks. Funny that. Did those who believed in the rapture, are they now going to challenge and possible change their belief systems based on the evidence presented? No, of course not. Critial thinking has no part to play in religious beliefs. For if we look at science and the evidence, all religions, and other control systems, simply fall apart.
Today I am not interested in having a pop at religion or those who believe that the end is nigh. Instead I want to talk about the fact that your world will end one day and have you made the most of your brief time upon this earth? I know a lot of religions believe that there is some form of afterlife, usually promising a greater existence than the one we have now. For the sake of this post, let’s assume that we only have this lifetime, or at least this lifetime on earth.
Like most people I am quite scared of death. I have no religious orientation and what happens when my time is up is somewhat of a mystery to me at the moment. I guess I will find out what happens when the time comes. Due to modern medicine and improvements in quality of life, we are all living longer and hopefully more healthily. However our time here on earth can be cut short at any time for a countless amount of reasons.
When I die I want to be able to look back and think to myself that I have led a good life. I have done the things I wanted to, seen the most interesting places and formed and nurtured relationships with those around me. Not only do I want to be able to look back and think this, I want to think every day that my life is great. I am not one for delaying pleasure, I want to experience what life has to offer now.
In the last few years I have really worked on my life and I am yielding the fruits of my labour now. As a therapist I have to listen to other people’s despair and it made me realise just how fortunate I am. A lot of people who I have worked with have had a near death experience, either through some form of attack, accident or medical issue i.e. surviving cancer. From spending so much time with such incredible people who have touched the void of life and are now living it to the full. I owe it to those who are no longer with us, to live my life well and to encourage others to do the same.
I hate very few things in life. Brown sauce, tomato ketchup and James Corden, are among the things I can’t stand, however the thing I despise the most is something called “learned helplessness”. This crippling psychological condition is responsible for keeping people stuck in life, leading to a range of issues including low self esteem, depression, weakened immune system and even suicide.
Learned helplessness was first discovered in 1967 by an American Psychologist called Martin Seligman. He ran a series of tests on animals who were subjected to electrical shocks. The animals were put into groups, some of them could control the shocks they received by them pressing a lever, others had the same lever but it did not reduce the shocks. The first group quickly learned that they could control the amount of pain they received. The second group learned that whatever they did they still got the electrical shocks. Even when placed in different test setting, the first group animals were able to escape the pain, while the second group simply lied down and accepted there was nothing they could do, even though the opportunity to escape or stop the pain was made available to them. The second group of animals had learned that their actions had no impact and were therefore helpless, although in reality if they had simply tried they would have got results. This is how so many people live their lives today, in a way of not being able to control anything and being at the mercy of others.
When I work with clients I can usually tell who are going to get the best results quite early on. It doesn’t matter what the client has been subjected to, everything from early abuse issues through to a recent violent attack. I know that those who are able to follow simple instructions will get results. It breaks my heart when I have a client who I know could get results if they only tried, but they have learned that whatever they do doesn’t work, so why bother? Until a person actually realises that they have the power to change their life, nothing will ever work. Once they realise do have control over their life, then the possibilities are literally endless. Nothing gives me greater satisfaction than seeing a client coming to this realisation and starting to take control of their life. To me, this is real inner game.
We all want to be happy, but very few of us actually are. We are brought up in a society that is built on greed and material wealth, unreachable physical perfection and a rolling 24 hour fear mongering media. No wonder so many people have given up on their lives and now take what is given to them, rather than go out and create results. I know that the vast majority of people who read this post or anything to do with pick up, will simply read it and do nothing with the information. Reading theory will never bring results, it simply allows you to feel like you are in control, but information that cannot be put into action isn’t worth knowing. This only leads to frustration and the need to learn more theory.
From working on the PUA Training bootcamps, with residential students and with hundreds of private clients, I have seen what can really change people’s perspective in life and therefore the results they create. I do not believe in luck, I believe in hard work and opportunity. I have put together a few tips on how to start to change your life and to make the most of your time on this planet of ours. Please remember that the solutions to our problems are always much simpler than the problem itself. The more simple the solution, the more effective it usually is. Just because something sounds so simple and common sense, please don’t dismiss it. Those who are quick to criticise are usually those who need to action the following steps the most. There is a world of difference between common sense and common practice.
Tip 1. Analyse your life. Cut out or minimise negative activities, people and places.
If you want to take control of your life, you must first actually understand what you life consists of now. Humans are extremely predictable and have very strong pattern behaviour, although we are usually blind to it ourselves. I personally use a 30 minute daily planner (email me if you want it) which allows me to see exactly how I am spending my time and what I am doing. After a week, or even a few days, you will start to spot your patterns and where you can start to make changes.
Before you can start to put in new activities and ways of spending your time, you need to start to cut out the crap. This includes activities, people and places. Remember, the past is gone, the future doesn’t exist, it is what you do now that is important. Where you choose to spend your time, who with and what doing is 100% under your control. Spend your time wisely. If you spend time with people you don’t really like, change it. If you have a job you don’t enjoy, it is your responsibility to do something about it. If you do the same old boring routine every week, then change what you are doing if you want to get different results.
Tip 2. Look after your health
I am no saint by any means, however since my 30th birthday I have made a large change in my life. I decided to stop drinking, I am not sure for how long as of yet. It has been 2 months and I have no intention to start again anytime soon.
I decided to stop drinking it was having a detrimental impact upon my health, and bank balance. I wish I was one of those people who could have just one or two drinks on an evening, however when I get started I go for it and it isn’t long before I am on the shots. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was drinking most nights, either in the pub or at home. Every morning/afternoon I would wake up feeling terrible and lacked motivation to actually do anything. How I even made it to 30 is beyond me.
Since I stopped drinking I have changed a number of habits. By making a change like this, other changes happen as a consequence. For example in the mornings I am able to get up without wanting to die. I have rejoined the gym and go three times a week. My diet has drastically improved. My overall energy levels have sky rocketed and my productivity is off the scale. Overall I feel much better, more motivated and physically stronger.
If you want to take control of your life, you must first take control of your body. You do not eat or drink anything by accident!
Tip 3. Treat someone to something
Although this seems to be frowned upon in the pick up community, I am proud to say I am a nice guy. I make a habit to do nice things for other people, on a regular basis. I love nothing more than taking someone out for dinner, to a show or to do something else fun. Just this weekend I took a very special friend to the theatre for her birthday. She told me it was the nicest present she had ever gotten. Hearing that alone was worth 100 times the cost of the tickets.
Doing something nice for someone doesn’t have to be expensive. I also like cooking for people or taking them to really nice part of London for a walk. I also listen to people and make them feel great about themselves. This is a skill I think everyone should learn.
Think about someone you know and something you would like to treat them to. A friend you haven’t seen for a while or even a family member. When you are nice to other people, they are nice to you. Don’t expect the other person to ever go first, always lead when it comes to giving and generosity.
Tip 4. Treat yourself.
Thankfully I have inexpensive tastes. When I used to drink I used to love drinking champagne (but had beer money). I used to try and motivate myself into doing things on a reward basis, but now I realise to just treat myself all the time and this motivates me more.
A few things that I love with a passion are coffee, massages and going to Primrose Hill (a really nice place in London for those who don’t know about it).
I live in Muswell Hill and there is an old style shop called “Martyns” that roasts their own coffee beans. The coffee they sell is amazing and I am frequent customer. I am having a cup now! Good times. I am easily pleased it seems.
When I first moved to London I lived on a sofa for several months and also wore a man bag. This royally screwed up my left shoulder and I have had to have physiotherapy to try and rectify the issue. As part of the recovery I was told to go for deep tissue massages, which really hurt but leave you feel amazing afterwards. I now go for a massage at least once every two weeks and my back has never been in better shape.
I also love going to Primrose Hill. The area itself is a pretty part of Regents Park which overlooks London. I like nothing more than strolling around spotting celebrities and pretending I live there! The best thing about it, that it is totally free to do.
Always include into your weekly routine things that bring you pleasure. Don’t remove pleasure from your life to motivate yourself into changing. The more pleasure you inject into your life, the more motivated and passionate you become.
Tip 5. Make a list of 5 places you want to visit
People always talk about the places they would like to visit, yet they have a list of excuses for why they have not yet been. Your life could end any day, so instead of wishing you could have been to these places, make plans to actually go.
Make a list of 5 places that you want to visit and set about making this a reality. If you don’t have the time or money, this is something to work on. Find the time and make the money!
Tip 6. Make a list of 5 things you want to do.
Along with places you want to visit, think about things you want to do. Why haven’t you done these things already? Write down your excuses and see what you can work on to make these things a reality.
When I tell people about this they instantly say silly things that they don’t really want to do. Sky diving, bungee jumping and swimming with dolphins all top the list. But do you actually want to do these things?
I believe that the trick here is to make realistic goals that are within your grasp. When you start to achieve small goals, it starts to propel you into setting and achieving larger ones.
To give you an idea, some of the things I want to do are;
Lose 20 KG by Christmas
To go to London Zoo Late Night opening
Go on a boat trip in Camden
To produce websites which generate passive income
To buy a made to measure suit
So all my goals are different and will require different amounts of effort. Going on boat trip and going to the zoo are obviously the easiest and I will have done both of these within the next 2 weeks, weather permitting. The other goals will take longer, however I know I will do them.
Write down a list of things that you want to do. Don’t stop at 5, just keep writing. Once you have a decent list, start to pick some to actually work on. When it comes to game, what do you want to do? Do you want to go and speak to that girl in the office, or even the girl you see on the bus every day. You may want to take the bootcamp or residential or even just commit to going out and opening 5 sets. Something that people ofen say to me on the bootcamp or residential is “why didn’t I do this years ago?”.
Tip 7. Every morning write down 3 things you are grateful for
Every day we are bombarded with things that we apparently need in our life to be happy. From the latest phone, car, watch, clothes or lifestyle in general. When you watch programs like Sex and the City or Jersey Shores like they are a documentary, it is easy to think your own life is rubbish. The more we have the more we want. We tend to see what we don’t have, not what we do have. This way of experiencing life always leaves us feeling unfulfilled and lowers our self esteem.
I first learned how to adopt a grateful attitude when I became a therapist. Like everyone I have my own problems, but when I had to listen to those of other people, I quickly realised that I was very fortunate.
It sometimes takes an event to make us realise what we have and to cherish it, rather than wanting more all the time. Last year I got a serious eye infection and I was close to losing my sight in my left eye. The infection was caused by a contact lens and I was unable to see properly for several months. It causes massive amounts of pain, endless hours of waiting in hospitals and many sleepless nights. Thankfully after several interventions the doctors were able to stop the infection and save my cornea. I was incredibly thankful for my sight. Only recently I have been able to wear contact lenses again and the world has never looked so good.
I start every single day by writing down 3 things I am thankful for. By changing how my brain scans the world, from what I don’t have to what I do have, it makes a massive difference. Ok so I will never be able to have laser eye surgery now, but I can wear contacts and glasses and see. I will never be a model but I can lose weight and take care of myself. I can never get back the time I wasted in my life, but I can make the most of now and the future.
Get a piece of paper and write down things you are thankful for. Once you start writing you begin to feel much better, it is weird. Make sure this list is in an accessible place and you read it regularly. You can change how you see the world, but it takes time and practice.
I know that my life could end any day. I also know that when that day comes I will look back on my life and know that I have spent my time well and overall it has been bloody brilliant. Now turn off your laptop for a while and actually do something you have read in this post. Please post here what it is and any changes you have made. You can also email me personally at any time for help and/or advice.
Until I get conclusive proof that there is life after death, I am going to assume that our time here is probably all we get. We tend to regret the things we haven’t done, not things we did. Spend your time wisely, live a happy life and don’t listen to people who talk about the end of the world.
Matt Kendall (Hypnomatt)
I like the idea of fairness in life. People tend to put themselves into one of two categories; those who are unhappy and think that the world is unfair, and those who happy and think they are fortunate. What I find interesting is that it isn’t material possessions, status or wealth that determines what side of the coin you live on, it is your attitude.
When I am working with clients I have to make one thing extremely clear right from the start. If people cannot grasp and accept this concept then I am not able to help them. The concept I introduce to people is “you are responsible for your own happiness and successes, regardless of what you have been through”. It may not be your fault what has happened to you in the past, however if you are ever going to get the results out of life you want than you have to own your actions and learn to be self disciplined.
When I first start talking to people about this I get the expected backlash. Some recent comments I have had include;
“are you saying it is my fault my dad left home when I was 4, so I never had a role model?”
“it is ok for you, I am only 5’6”,
“but I don’t have time”
“you have no idea what I have been through”
“I am not ready to change”
“but I am unattractive”
“its ok for other guys with great jobs”
“because of my race/religion/skin colour/height/etc I will never be successful”
“I want results now!”
“my parents were never social so I have l inherited their genes”
“every night I stand in front of the mirror for an hour looking at how ugly I am”
People seem to be confused when I tell them that they are responsible for their own actions and consequently their results in life. I have never asked for an explained to the contrary, nor do I care. Until you get out of your “pity party” and “life so hard” mode, no one can help you and you will drive people away.
We live in a blame society. Nothing is ever our fault, it is someone else’s. We blame our parents, society, the government, our friends, the weather, the economy, past partners, current partners, where we live and the list goes on. The only one thing in common with all these things is you! You are at the centre of your world and ultimately your life is your responsibility.
I was working with a client the other day who working a job he hated, living somewhere that didn’t like and hung out with friends who were a bad influence. He wanted self esteem. He needs to change his life, I told him this and I got the usual excuses to why he couldn’t possible do this. I stopped him mid flow and told him that any excuse he had was totally invalid. He said he couldn’t get another job because he never got his GCSE’s (for this he blames him teachers, his friends and the fact he thought education was boring), he said he can’t move because he has nowhere to go (he has never been out of his town, he is 27) and finally he can’t stop hanging around with his unemployed and drop out mates because they are his mates from school.
I laid out a very simple strategy for him. Firstly he has to retake his GCSE’s by attending night school or distance learning. He has to start to take up new hobbies and interests so he meets new people and finally he has to think about what job he would like and where it would be located. He rejected all the suggestions saying it was OK for me because I was a posh boy or something, and said that he just wanted to feel better about himself now. I told him to investigate the Law of Attraction and ask the universe instead of putting in the work. You never know, it might work out.
People with complex problems seek complex solutions. The solutions are always simple but people dismiss them. Instead of focusing on the solutions, they want to reinforce why they are stuck by giving excuse after excuse to why it wouldn’t work for them. This of course keeps people stuck and now they have people or things to blame. At the end of the day, no one cares! The only person you have to really justify things to yourself is yourself. You are at the centre of your problems, either make the decision to actually do something about it over a prolonged period of time, or shut up.
By now you are probably thinking I am being too harsh, maybe I am. What if people have been through a terrible experience such as abuse or been injured in an accident. Bad things happen and this is not your fault, however how you let this affect your life now is your responsibility! Regardless of why or how, it is up to you to sort it out.
I used to consider myself lucky, but now I don’t. I now consider myself hard working and focused. Nothing good that has happened to me has ever been by accident. I used to feel terribly sorry for myself when I was younger. I always used to compare myself to others and thought I was not as intelligent, funny, charismatic, good looking and a whole host of other things. Instead of focusing on working on solutions, I used to wallow in my own pity. It wasn’t until I admitted to myself that I was the cause of my problems and it is up to me to sort it out, that I ever got results. Since I stopped acting like a victim and started to accept responsibility, my life has changed and developed in ways I could never have imagined just a few years ago.
There are two ways you can choose to live;
Option 1: You can accept responsibility for where you are in life, take control of your actions and put the work in. You make realistic goals and work hard on them. You associate with those people who you want be associated with. You don’t blame other people for your failures and you genuinely add value to people’s lives.
Option 2: You get what is given. Things happen to you which aren’t fair. You want to tell people about your problems and why things didn’t work out the way you wanted. You always have excuses and reasons why not to do something new or different, yet what are currently doing makes you unhappy.
Life is fair. There is no point being bitter at the world for having being dealt a lousy hand in life, it is how you play it that counts. You are at the the centre of your problems and only you can make the change to actually focus on solutions. Until you reach that point, you are your own worst enemy.
Matt Kendall (Hypnomatt)
I just want to share something really interesting with you. I was working with a client last week at PUA Training who said that one comment made by one of the trainers was worth the cost of the whole week.
The client was taking part on our residential course. This is where the client lives with the trainers in Leister Square and gets 70 hours of 1-2-1 training with a variety of trainers. The client was a very intelligent mature gent who had a headful of theory when it came to game and talking to girls. However, like so many people he was unable to actually put this knowledge into practice.
During one training session the trainer asked him to go and approach a set of 1 girls. The client refused to do so. When asked why he replied “I could if I wanted to but I cant be bothered!”. The trainer came back with “if you could do it, you would do it!”.
This is the moment when he realised that he had been fooling himself for years. The fact was that he knew in theory what to do, but not in practice.
It is great to learn the theory of any subject but if you are unable to put it into practice then it will likely lead to frustration and self talk such as “what is wrong with me?”
My advice is to learn something then go out and do it. Work on your weak points within a skill set to give yourself a balanced approach. Do something over and over until you are completely competent at it.
A good example is when I was a kid I used to have piano lessons. One week I was given a piece to go home and practice. Some of the parts were easy, some were really tricky. Instead of spending my time on the tricky bits I simply played them badly and focused on the parts I could play well. When it came to my next lesson I played the piece to my tutor. The good bits sounded great, the tricky bits sounded terrible. He looked disappointed at me and said “the bad parts brought down the good parts of the tune, making it poor overall”.
Focus on your weak spots, don’t just do what you find easy as this will leave you unbalanced in your skill set resulting in a poor performance overall.
Matt Kendall (hypnomatt)
Last night I gave a 90 minute seminar to my meetup group www.interestingtalks.co.uk about the the psychology of goal setting.
This seminar is now live and free to listen to and/or download as an MP3 on my wesite.
Feel free to pass this link and MP3 onto others.
The pain of loneliness
Firstly, a big thank you to all the people who post comments and send me emails about the blogs that I write. It really is great to know that people get value out of the articles I write, especially as I tend to cover a lot of topics that are not usually included in the pick up community.
Today I am going to write about something which I know that most men (and women) have to deal with and it often causes us to have low self esteem and to even to take radical actions. I am going to talk about loneliness and how it affects us. As always I am going to be drawing on examples from my own life, those of people who I have worked with and I will try to offer some tips and advice to help you to avoid this terrible state of mind.
This evening I am feeling rather lonely myself. The reason is that I was meant to be going to a meetup, but I managed to put my back out doing the super alpha male activity of cleaning my bathroom. That’s right, as I cleaned the sink, an old football injury once again paid me a little return visit that has caused me to me to spend several days at home, covered in deep heat and texting people until they are sick of me. Not only was I lonely, I was bored out of my mind. Instead of wallowing in my pit of despair, I have necked some pain killers and made myself write this blog post. I actually feel better already.
So what is loneliness? Why do we feel it and most importantly, what can we do about it?
Wikipedia describes loneliness as “Loneliness is an unpleasant feeling in which a person experiences a strong sense of emptiness and solitude resulting from inadequate levels of social relationships. However, it is a subjective experience. Loneliness has also been described as social pain – a psychological mechanism meant to alert an individual of undesired isolation and motivate her/him to seek social connections.
I believe that when you are lonely, it is because you are not sharing some sort of connection with other like minded people. This means that it is possible to feel lonely even when you are with other people, simply because you don’t share a connection with them. When you are with people without this connection, conversation can feel forced and you are often uninterested in what other people have to say. Being with the same people all the time, or even with old social groups who you no longer have common goals with can make you feel lonely.
I like to say people “feel” lonely because most people say that actually physically “feel” it. For me it is a sinking feeling in my stomach that not only makes me lethargic, but it sets of a series of negative thoughts, usually causing me to feel bad about myself. Once the feeling of loneliness takes hold it can cause a cascade of thoughts and emotions that can often lead us to take escape route actions ranging from drugs, alcohol and doing things like contacting ex partners. We have all been there, I assure you.
The lonelier we feel, the bigger the surge of happy feeling we need to counteract it. We have all developed coping strategies for dealing with feeling lonely, however these strategies can also be the cause of why we are alone to start with. Excessive console gaming, internet use, watching TV, drinking at home and drug abuse will often isolate us from the outside world. A recent client I was working with said that he often feels lonely so he stays in and plays on his X Box. I said to him that staying in and playing X Box is contributing to his loneliness, not helping as a resource for escaping the feeling.
Clients who I have worked with who report being lonely will often have some if not all of the below characteristics in common;
They live with their parents, alone or in a houses share with people they hardly know
They do the same things and activities every week
They have the same friends now as when they did at school
They want to try new things but can not get their friends to do it with them
They spend a lot of time on the internet
They spend a lot of time playing games consoles
They are either unemployed or in a job that doesn’t interest or challenge them
They fail to make plans for the evenings and weekends
They often have put little effort into their style and grooming
They talk a lot about negative subjects
They watch an excessive amount of news and even research conspiracy theories
They are often very lethargic and take little structured exercise
Their sleeping cycle is often sporadic, staying up late at night and sleeping in till all hours
They eat the same 5-6 meals all the time
They lack motivation, passion and a lust for life
They spend a lot of time thinking about the mistakes they made in the past
They blame others/society for their issues
They view their future as bleak
They don’t know what the problem is, they just want to stop feeling this way
They want to get back to being the person they used to be
They meet very few new people and tend to avoid social situations
They feel other people are happier than them and are more successful
They are often ill
Do you recognise any of the above symptoms in your own life? I think that at one time or another, I have experienced everything on the list and probably a whole load more. Being lonely is a natural feeling, however instead of letting it drag you down, you can use it to motivate you into doing things differently. When you change your methods, you change your results.
Out of all the symptoms of loneliness, probably the biggest thing I hear is “if I had X, I would feel Y”. For example, if I had a girlfriend, I would be happy. If I was thinner, I would like myself. If I had money, I would be fulfilled. Trying to predict how you would feel is such an event should take place will always end in disappointment. This is for 2 reasons, firstly the thing will probably never happen (i.e. getting rich), and secondly it may raise your mood for a while but you are likely to return back to your happiness set point. This means you are screwed if you don’t achieve your goal, and screwed if you do achieve it. I recently met this rich dude who told me something really interesting. He said that there are only two great days when you are a yacht owner. The day you buy it and the day you sell it. All the time in-between is an expensive pain in the ass.
From working with a wide variety of clients who tell me they are lonely, I have noticed a very common pattern. Those people who complain of being lonely are usually those people who spend a lot of time being alone! I have tested a variety of strategies to help people overcome and cope with loneliness. I believe that loneliness is both a physical and psychological condition and both aspects can be addressed and improved. When I say physical I mean what you are doing and who with, psychological is more to do with self esteem and emotions.
The reason why you are experiencing loneliness can vary. The typical stories I hear are usually one of the following;
You have moved to a new town or city with work and don’t know anyone.
You have noticed that your circle of friends are getting married, having kids and settling down. Leaving little time for things you used to do.
You have split up with a long term partner.
You are basically just bored with your current friends and life, and have become more and more reclusive.
One more thing I want to mention is that being in pain is actually very seductive. People like having problems and suffering. You get used to the pain and make it part of your life. The thought is change is overwhelming and instead of doing so you go further into your pit of despair. I will write a whole blog post on this issue in the near future.
Ok so now we have a good idea about what loneliness is and its symptoms, it is time to start to take steps to get out of this way of feeling. The below tips are in no particular order and they have all been tried and tested by myself and my clients countless times. Some of the things won’t suit you, that is cool. Just try to adopt some of them and just see the changes they can bring. Take things slowly and build up as you go.
My final thing before I get into the steps is that prevention is better than cure. It is far better to prevent loneliness than to try and cure it. By taking preventative measures now, you can avoid feeling lonely in the future.
Take responsibility for your happiness
When I work with clients, most are quick to list people, events or circumstances that are the reason for why they are the way they are. What has happened to you in the past may not be your fault, but if you want to make real changes you need to take control of your life. You are your actions! No one is going to help you make changes until you decide to do something about it. Instead of focusing what is wrong with your life, we need to start to build resources and escape routes so you can have a happier existence.
Changing your social circles
There is an old saying that you become your peers. Who you spend time with heavily influences you and your choices in life, being either constrictive or inspirational. Look at your current social circle, are they helping or hindering you? If you want to change what you are doing then it is going to be vital that you change who you spend time with. Identify those who are holding you back and stop seeing them as much. Identify who you are want be more like and spend as much time as possible with them. Don’t compare yourself to someone who is more successful than yourself as this will cause your esteem to lower. Instead, see someone who is more successful as someone to learn from. See what behaviours they have and see what you can adopt into your own life.
Taking it 1 day at a time
I have recently been researching a lot of CBT techniques and have found them to have been extremely helpful, in both my own development and when working with clients. I now live my life in 30 minute segments. I have an A4 sheet for each day that goes from 8am through to 1am. This allows me to plan my day and to also record everything I am doing.
It is easy for time to slip away or to say you are too busy to do something. By monitoring your life in 30 minute segments, it really allows you to see your own patterns. I have been doing this now for a month and I have been extremely productive as a result. When you can actually see your progress in a written form it makes you want to improve and take on larger challenges. I have this sheet if anyone would like it. Please email me at email@example.com and put “daily planner” in the subject bar and I will fire it over. I will also try and upload it here at some point.
Taking care of your body
Loneliness and lethargy seem to go hand in hand. “I want to go out and meet people but I am too tired”. Hush now. Time to start taking care of yourself. Look at your diet, does it consist on take aways or healthy foods? Do you take pride in your appearance? Is the only exercise you do “internet related?” is so then you need to start to take a long look at your diet, appearance and lifestyle. You need to use energy to make energy, yet this is not going to be pleasant at first but you will start to see the benefits.
Planning future events
What are you doing next weekend? Do you have anything planned for evenings this week after work? If not then this is an area you need to get on. An amazing resource than I can not endorse enough is www.meetup.com. This is an amazing place to meet people who are doing activities that you want to do. Just visit the site and check it out.
“Fail to plan and plan to fail”, is a quote my business mentor once told me. You need to put time and effort into your social life and take it seriously. Planning is an essential part of avoiding being lonely. When you plan things in advance it gives you things to look forward to, which in turn raises your happiness set point (this is another thing I will write about in future).
Have photo of happy memories
When we think of the past we often think about all the things that have gone wrong. We can forget the amazing times we have had as our thought processes become more and more negative. Instead of always scanning for negative issues, we can actually start to train our brain to think more positively. I am NOT talking about tree hugging hippy crap, I am talking about a new area of research called “Positive Psychology”.
One technique of thinking more positively is to have photos on display all the time reminding you of great times of your life. I recently purchased 2 photo wall hangers which hold 20 photos on each side. I am printing off great pictures that are tucked away hidden on my phone and hard drive and putting them where I can see them every day.
If you don’t have any pictures to print, then ask your friends if they have any of you in them. If this isn’t the case, then get a camera and get your ass to cool places and start clicking. Reading that last sentence back actually made me cringe.
The pictures don’t have to be of you, they can be of places you have been instead (some people don’t like having their picture taken). The pictures can also be of friends, both old and new. I love London and I love taking pictures on my phone. Make this a practice in your life and if possible try to make the pictures as colourful as possible. Also try to hang the pictures above eye level so you have to look up at them. The colour and position of pictures has psychological impacts, i.e. they make you feel better when looking at them.
Ban your biggest vice
A great exercise is self control and getting you our meeting new people is to ban your biggest vice or vices. My biggest vices are alcohol and using my laptop. On my birthday (24th March) I decided to stop drinking, this has had a massive impact on my life. I thought it was going to be really hard, it has in fact been really easy. Because I made such a big change it actually changed my activities and who I hang around with.
My other big vice is the internet and especially Youtube. It wasn’t a rare occurrence for me to be still watching clips at 4am instead of getting my beauty sleep. To counteract this I have banned myself from using my laptop for any reason after 8pm. This was much hard to give up than drinking, but again it has made massive changes in my life. I don’t have a TV so without my laptop it forces me to either read, go out and generally do more productive things.
What is your biggest vice that is keeping you from being with other people? Do you watch too much TV, play on X Box all night or addicted to DVDs? Time to self regulate and impose your own limits on these activities. It is bloody weird and strange at first but embrace the pain and after just a short while you will experience results.
Purpose in life
Wow, big one. OK I am not a believer that we are all here as part of a plan and we actually have much of a purpose. I actually believe that we are very insignificant and when we die the world will carry on just fine without us. I also believe that by knowing our place in the world and surrendering to the fact we actually have little control over what happens, it is rather enlightening. Saying that we do have a lot of control over our own behaviours and how we react to situations.
By creating a purpose or role within a scene, gives you a feeling of wellbeing and really elevates your happiness and gets you meeting new people with a common goal. An example of this is I have started several groups on meetup. I have started a group that delivers monthly talks on psychology, a workshop group for therapists and also a business networking group for North Londoners. These are my own little creations and without simply wouldn’t exist. Knowing that I am providing these events which give a lot of value to people is simply amazing. I have met so many people through doing these events.
Practice grateful through processes
Please be assured that I am not turning into a happy clappy hippy. However some of the processes in Positive Psychology and CBT really are effective. It is possible to start to retrain your brain by incorporating small changes in your behaviour on a daily basis. A practice I now do is when I get up I write down 3 things I am grateful for. This can range from having somewhere nice to live, to having friends, a loving family, your health, your car or whatever it is.
A lot of depression is associated with what people don’t have. If I had x I would feel y. However the more you have, the more you want and are never likely to be happy by following this mindset. By being more accepting and grateful to what you already have, it can literally start to change the way you think and interact with people.
Take up juggling
WTF I hear you cry. Why should I take up juggling? I know it sounds weird and stupid, however there is a lot of research being done on the effects of juggling and brain function. It is incredibly beneficial and can help to stimulate brain growth if practiced over a 6 month period. It makes your brain more resourceful and can help to prevent depression. It is also fun and cool to do. I am doing a lot of research into practices like juggling and will write more blog posts about it in future.
OK I am done. Well done for getting though this article, it actually turned out to be about 3 times longer than originally planned for. Remember that loneliness is something can be prevented and also worked on. Look at the above strategies and start to implement them in your own life. They are all quite simple to do and just require a bit of self discipline.
Matt Kendall (Hypnomatt)
p.s. if all the above strategies fail then you should do some energy work and open up your chakras ;)
Effective Goal Setting Workshop
The next interesting talks event is going to be held on Thursday 28th April at the Comedy Pub near Leister Square. The event will start at 7pm and end at approximately 9pm with plenty of time for drinking and networking afterwards.
The next event is going to be more of a workshop than a talk. This time we are going to look to how to effectively set and achieve goals in life. For the past several years I have worked with approximately 600 clients who all wanted to achieve something in their lives. People’s goals vary from wanting to get fit, to find a partner in life or to achieve a level of wealth.
This workshop is going to focus purely on how to effectively plan and achieve goals. This workshop is suitable for both those who work as therapists/practitioners who work with clients, and people who want to achieve their own goals.
This is a practical workshop and not “make a wish and hope the universe delivers” type of new age crap. This is also NOT a motivational seminar, I am not going to pump you up or get you to make massive impossible goals as this can lead to low self esteem. I will explain all about this in the workshop.
Interesting Talks always supports a children’s charity. In the past due to the kindness of the attendees we have raised nearly £1000 for UNICEF. At this next event we are going to help a children’s charity who are helping provide safe places for children in Japan after the tsunami and earthquake.
We ask that those who are attending to make a £10 donation towards this cause. All donations are through our just giving site and go straight to the charity. When you have made your donation your name will be added to our attendee list.
Please make your donation here http://www.justgiving.com/Matt-Kendall0 once you have made your donation you will be sent an email with all the event details. To see the meetup group please visit www.interestingtalks.co.uk
I am aiming to raise £500 at this event, therefore I am going to set the limit at 50 attendees. This will sell out, so make sure you reserve your seat ASAP by placing your donation now.
I am also looking to hold a raffle at the event and I am seeking prizes. If you are able to donate a prize for this very worth while event, please contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org
See you on the 28th April
Kevin is in his mid 40’s and had recently come out of a long term relationship. He had read some on my articles and started to build a new life for himself however he suffered from social anxiety along with issues with his looks. Like a lot of people with negative self image, Kevin suffered from bullying at school which had left a lasting impression.
In just 2 sessions I was able to help him clear out these negative past memories so he can start to enjoy life to the full. He went from being a reclusive shy guy, to someone who is chatting up models, learning to surf and getting the most out of life!
Listen to this 30 minute interview here http://www.vimeo.com/21691298